Fixing Him (A Troyler Fanfiction) [UNDER EDITING]

xxiii. •Troye•

xxiii. •Troye•

Sometimes, I wonder if my life were different, I would be happier. Maybe if I had grown up with two loving parents who made sure I was in bed by eight o'clock at night when I was fourteen. Sibilings that loved me and took walks together and drank tea. If I wasn't gay. I would have gone to school and got perfect grades and my family would have been proud of me and would have taken my sibilings and I out for ice cream. I would have been happy with my body, no matter what people said. I would have married a beautiful woman that my mother and father loved. We would be in love and grow old together.

This, I had thought to myself, would be the perfect life. 

If I had the perfect life, though, I never would have met Tyler. We never would have become best friends and then lovers. I never would have been able to travel the world because of youtube. I would never have made the friends that I had made. 

Thoughts like this had recently been popping into my head and I wondered if it was a side effect of dying. Maybe it was the medicine, I didn't know. I didn't want to die, no one does. I think that  I thought that I'd be happier with being given my almost death sentence. Months ago, I had wanted to kill myself. I had wished something like this upon myself, just so I could rid my fears. Now, I see what my death would do to people. Tyler, for example, would never be the same. Tyler had also attempted to die. More people would care if it was him dying and not me, but that's not the point. My death could possibly be the thing that makes Tyler finally snap.  What if he stopped being positive all the time? What if he became so sad that he couldn't handle it. I shook my head, not believing that my death could cause anything like that to happen. 

My viewers. I knew my viewers would care if I died. Some of them had fan accounts dedicated to me. What would it do to them? Some of them are already not feeling too great and I couldn't help but cringe at the fact of one of them feeling just as sad as I had in the past.

I think my meds were working. I was thinking of the things that would happen after I died, not just about how much I wanted to die. In all honesty, I don't really think that anyone really wants to die. They just want someone to be there for them. In that moment in time, maybe they think that they want to, but deep down, no one does. They just hope there will be at least one person there to keep them from swallowing that bottle of pills. 

"TroyeSivan."

It was Tyler. He was the only one that called me that. 

I blinked my eyes open. 

"You're up."

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling today?"

"Achey." I was happy he asked. No one really does. 

"Ashley told me to awaken you."

I rolled my eyes, "Ash always wants everything done when she wants it done. But, it's fine, I probably should get up anwyays."

I quietly laughed and Tyler frowned.

"You're not okay."

"I'm fine," I smiled at him, with my teeth because I know he likes that.

"Babe, I know you. You're not fine."

"How would you feel if you were dying?" 

I did it again. I shut Tyler up while making myself feel like complete and utter shit in the process. Tyler was not remotely ready for me to go nor was I to leave. I knew that there were so many things I had to do before I went, it was just doing them. I was always the procrastinator.