i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

medicine

and that was how it started, the slow decline of my mental state. i don't know if i could consider this a cycle in my mental state, because this pushed me lower than i had ever been. i was facing the dilemma about leaving luke because of what he had done or staying because i had nowhere to go. at that point, i was too scared to leave, so i was left at this apartment locked up in the room each day with luke.

what actually was destroying me was this silence. neither of us talked, even though we were together all day. sometimes luke would leave to sell some cocaine, but besides that, we were together in the bedroom in silence or in the kitchen eating with our roommates.

luke knew early on that i wasn't going to talk to him. shutting him out was my only defense at this point, because i couldn't find a way to forgive him. there was no way i could pretend like he didn't say it, so we were both at victim to silence. and i'm sure it was killing him as much as it was killing me.

i had scrolled through the feed of every social media account i had every fifteen minutes, hoping something new would come up that would distract me from this unbearable prison, but was just uninterested in everything i saw, so i would just keep repeating my process, looking over the same posts. i wondered what luke was looking at on his phone. he would text someone every once in awhile, whereas i had no one. sadly, i felt jealous because of that. my mind was still obsessed with the boy who actually did like me, so i couldn't help but feel jealousy over trivial issues like these, even though there was a bigger one at hand.

luke eventually got up from the bed and went into the bathroom, so i stared at him as he walked in. my eyes blankly stared at the door when he closed it.

"you're obsessed with him."

without any fear, i turned and saw a girl sitting next to me. she had dark hair, which was very messy and knotted upon her head. but, it didn't distract from her face. she had big eyes, so dark they were almost black. her facial features were very small, but each looked as if they had been perfectly carved with precision. she was sitting, but i could tell that she was very skinny, almost deathly thin. but, weirdly enough, i thought she looked really beautiful. even with her bones poking against her skin, she had this eerie beauty to her. her face was so skinny that it was like her skin was stretched over her bones, causing each facial feature to protrude more than normal.

her clothes were nothing out of the ordinary. she had on a pair of skinny jeans, but they were loose on her. she had a black, short-sleeved shirt on, displacing her collarbones and skinny arms. she had no shoes on.

"stop staring at me," she said, but she didn't snap. she simply stated it.

"who are you?" i asked. i wasn't scared and didn't even speak in a surprised tone, i just was intrigued and in awe by her.

"i'm sue," she told me.

the name definitely didn't fit, but i didn't say anything. i didn't want to hurt her feelings.

"are you going to leave him?" she asked.

"probably not." i told her.

"you're fucking pathetic. you stay mad at him, but you can't even bring yourself to leave. he's just going to keep hurting you and you'll take it every time because you need his money. do you know how fucking sad that sounds?"

her voice suddenly had turned harsh and i was almost surprised to see her small features turn into something so demonic. the bones that poked against her skin had turned sharp and it turned her whole complexion into something that resembled a monster.

"i'm going to end up broke and on the streets if i don't stay with him. i don't really have a choice," i argued, but my voice was weak.

"so it's a lose-lose either way?" she asked, her expression softening.

"yeah."

"then why are you still living on through this? you have nobody. nobody. you cannot consider luke yours anymore and you obviously have no family or other friends to turn to, so your life is worthless. nobody cares about you, you're just getting used and if you leave you'll be broke on the streets. so why do you keep going on with all this? it's not going to get better, you're at a dead end. what are you going to do?" she was leaned close to me and i was staring at her in awe.

she had suddenly became so intriguing.her whole argument made sense to me, like it was the absolute solution to it all. it was perfect for me. she was perfect for me. everything about her became sensual. her sharp edges became beautiful and her dark complexion was absolutely stunning. she had beautiful dark eyes that were staring at me like they could devour me.

with my eyes closed, i leaned in. my whole brain felt numb, like it was in a trance and i was just following her lead, since she was in control. i pressed my lips to hers, but it wasn't like i was kissing her first, it was like she had told me to through my mind and i was just following her command.

her lips were very dry, but i liked the closeness of it all. it was as if i was becoming connected with her through a single kiss. our tongues didn't push against one another, our mouths stayed closed through the kiss until she pulled away first.

as soon as she pulled away, luke walked back into the room and i bolted up, worried he had seen me.

he frowned and was about to question me, but just decided to keep up the silent treatment that we had going on. he climbed back onto the bed and opened up his phone as he laid down. i bet he was texting somebody again like he always was. he had a replacement for me already, i bet, since i was being noncompliant.

i glanced over to see if sue was still sitting beside me, but, of course, she wasn't.

"come into the bathroom."

my head shot up and i saw the skinny girl standing in front of the open bathroom door, pure joy spread across her face. i wanted that expression, so i got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom with her, locking the door behind us.