i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

haunt

 this was the part when i had given up on a life of sanity. i was far from it at this point. i was used to not having control over my reflexes, it was part of my mental illness, but this time i felt like i was looking at myself from an outside perspective. it felt as though my body was nonexistent, i was simply my mind. my body was not part of this. i never liked me body, so it was better this way, running simply on emotions. i couldn't feel my hands tingle anymore because they weren't there. somehow i was moving, like i was automatic, programmed to just head towards the apartment. it was as though a switch had turned in me and convinced me that i had to just go back to luke and accept a life where he would fuck it up and i would just take it.

the streets were loud. it was like the cars were screaming as they sped by, causing this never-ending headache. the whole world was moving by loudly as i was stuck there, frozen in time as i walked back. it could've been an eternity for all i knew. because, at that moment, as i was walking home, that was when time froze. this was the last time that i would let myself cry silently. this was the last time that i would breakdown because now i had accepted a life where i would just live with luke, because he was all i had.

i had always been doomed from the start to have a shitty relationship. before luke (well, i guess you could say pandora, too) i was desperate for a relationship. i was willing to accept any kind of love from anyone, since i was so scared to give love myself. so, when luke confessed to me, i immediately felt overwhelmed with acceptance. my sexuality blossomed and i felt loved for once. i should've loved myself first, but i never did. i never loved myself. i always hated the way i broke down and was at the will of my mental illness, so i lived a life without self-love. therefore, i never was able to truly enjoy the love luke had given me.

then, reality slammed itself into me, forcing me to become aware of the fact that i was standing at the door of the apartment. i swear i reread the address a million times before finally opening the door. i was unsure if i was truly at the place or my mind was tricking me, but when i opened the door, i saw the familiar scenery of the living area, so i walked in.

it was quiet. i wondered if luke was here at all. calum and michael were probably out, because they normally were. i slowly made my way in. i was being extra cautious, worried i would see luke. even though i was planning on seeing him, i wasn't prepared. i didn't know what his reaction would be.

so, i slowly opened the door to our bedroom and walked in.

luke was sitting in the middle of the bed, nothing near him, it was just him. he was sobbing. it wasn't like he was wailing, but it was very obvious that he was crying; the pathetic sounds filled the room. even compared to last time when he cried in front of me, this was different. it was like i could hear the guilt in his cries. it sounded like pure pain when those cries slipped from his lips, directly stabbing my heart. for a second, i felt guilty.

"i'm not leaving," i muttered. i should've felt more disappointed in myself, but i knew this would happen because i couldn't just do the right thing and leave. i wasn't ready to just live on the streets.

his head shot up when he heard me speak. i guess he didn't think i would return after this, which was surprising. at this point, i assumed that luke just knew everything about me, but once again i was wrong. he thought i was braver than i actually was.

"ashton, i'm so sorry, i feel so fucking bad for what i did in the past. it fucking haunts me every day," he cried. his tone took on a whole new level of desperate that i had never heard from him before. i didn't feel sympathy for him. in fact, i didn't want to hear anything from him. his voice was sickening. it was fucking pathetic that he was trying to make me feel sorry for him after what he did to that girl.

"i need a shower," i muttered and turned away without ever directly having eye contact with him.

i disappeared into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. i didn't think he would come in after me, but i just felt myself growing increasingly anxious and i needed even physical barriers. i switched on the water to the hottest setting and stripped off my clothing. once again, i found myself standing in front of the mirror. i imagined a version of myself where my bones poked against my skin, urging to tear apart my skin that confined all the blood. i imagined a version of myself that was also covered in blood. i didn't notice the acne or the fucked up curls.

eventually, i found myself standing under scalding hot water, but somehow the burning sensation was soothing. i don't even remember walking away from the mirror, but now i was standing in front of the tiles, the mental image of myself reflected against them.

i was disgusting. the exact replica of my worst self, something i normally didn't see in the mirror. every flaw i owned was accentuated in my mental reflection. i suddenly had the urge to see myself suffering. the idea of my own body suffering, reflecting my mental state was suddenly a perfect idea to me. i wanted to starve. i wanted to scar up my body. i wanted to put myself through more pain because it would somehow ease the pain inside of me. at that moment, physical pain was supposed to ease the mental pain.

i had never felt pain like that. of course i had experienced mental pain before, i suffered through mental disorders, but this was nothing like what i had felt. this was a pain that made me want to claw at my skin and tear apart my body because this mental pain was gnawing at my insides and i just wanted to scratch away the bothersome feeling. my mind was so consumed by all that happened, that i couldn't obtain a single rational thought.

i found my back pressed against the wall and i slid down to the floor, so i was sitting with my knees against my chest in this uncomfortable position. my legs were too weak to stand anymore.

the hot water continued to drench me and i sat there for what felt like a long time, but it was probably no more than ten minutes. i wanted to sleep this off. i wanted to disappear into a bed that wasn't mine and sleep in this apartment that wasn't mine.

i began to realize that nothing was mine anymore. this room wasn't mine. this apartment wasn't mine. this life wasn't mine. i had no desires or hopes anymore. i was simply playing day by day and following mindlessly behind luke, even following him into drug deals that could be potentially dangerous. and i didn't even bat an eye. i just followed alongside him because it was all i could do. i gave up my originality because he was the first person i fell in love with and i offered my whole self to him. i never thought i was good enough for him, so i gave all i could in order to put myself on the same level as him. but, for me, that was never good enough.

"ashton?" i heard knocking on the door and i didn't even have to process who the voice came from because i automatically knew it was luke.

i didn't say anything. i switched into automatic mode and forced myself off the floor, turned off the shower, and stepped out, wrapping a towel around my waist. luke didn't knock again as i dressed myself in the same clothes as before. i didn't want to just wear boxers around him anymore. anything that insinuated sex was worrisome to me, so i just decided to cover up and keep on going.

i opened the door and was faced with a boy who had red rimmed eyes and wet cheeks. he was pathetic.

"ashton, please don't just ignore me, we need to talk about this," he begged, new tears slipping down his cheeks.

"we don't. you raped a girl and you will never be able to take that back. however, i can't go back, so i am here with you. that's all there is," i simply said, shutting off any hopes for him of a conversation. i climbed into the bed and buried myself underneath the covers like a child.