i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

pressure

 i sat up on my knees and was staring at luke. he looked overjoyed, his body was still trying to relax from the heat of the moment. he ended up tugging off his shirt because he was hot. he tugged his pants back up and sat, finally taking notice of me.

my face had probably paled and i wasn't sure if i had liked what had happened. my brain was still messed up and i didn't really understand why i was doing all that. i felt like the situation was unpleasant for me and i was awful at it. i also didn't know why i had to do it, why would i have to sit in the back of his car and give him a blowjob. why couldn't he have been nicer about it? it wasn't romantic it wasn't like i was really into it, i just had to do it. was this how sex was? did i have to do all that so i could make sure he was happy with me?

"ash, is something wrong?" he asked, finally concerned for me. he didn't move closer.

"i... i don't wanna be drunk anymore," i managed out. i could feel my mind going hysterical and i wanted to make a huge deal over a sexual act that everyone did.

"babe, you'll sober up soon," he assured. he scooted closer to me so that our knees were touching. now that he knew i wasn't freaking out from my disorder he could sit close to me.

"i don't like being drunk i hate doing it, i'm okay with being alone. i don't know why i do all this stuff and i just feel confused!" i cried, now growing overly upset.

luke managed to wrap his arms around me. it didn't feel romantic. it was like we were friends having sex.

"ash, it's okay, relax. i'm here," he whispered.

i wanted all of his touch and his hug was barely holding onto my back. his grip was loose, so i hooked my hands onto his back. his skin was smooth and warm and i liked the way it felt. i wanted to feel safe with him again.

"are you gonna hold me tonight?" i asked him.

"do you want me to?"

"yeah, i get cold at night."

"i know you do."

now that i was drunk, i was able to think about the relationship more. i began to realize that we weren't very romantic. all of it unfolded so quickly and i just went along with luke because he always seemed to know what he was doing, but i just felt confused by it all. at this point, we were lying down in the back of his car after i had given him a blowjob because we were both drunk. yeah, the whole sexual acts are a part of the relationship, but i didn't know what else was. i wanted to be able to talk to luke, but our conversations were short and simply about our childhood, which was definitely not romantic. at this point, i felt like i just liked him because he was here and liked me.

my head was pounding that night. i swear i could hear all of their voices talking to me, reminding me of things i already knew. anxious thoughts were shoved in through my ear and it was painful to endure.

i remained silent and let luke hold me against his body. i still liked the way his body heat radiated against me. i liked the way he was gentle, but held me tight at the same time. i liked the way that he didn't say anything when i wanted silence because he somehow knew when i hadn't even told him.

luke's heavy breathing drowned out the street traffic. the noise was comforting, like a reminder of "home", which i still hadn't found the definition for. he reminded me of something safe, but could i consider that romantic love?

eventually, i was lulled into sleep, warmed by his body and calmed by his breath.