i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

you

 the next morning i woke up extremely sore. it wasn't a surprise to me, though, i had expecting that to happen after last night. the soreness of course immediately reminded me of last night. i expected luke to be holding onto me since we did have sex, but he wasn't even touching me and i then remembered that i didn't let him touch me. and that mindset stayed with me.

i got out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom. i didn't bother to close the door after me, because i ended up in front of the mirror again in a desperate attempt to find myself through my appearance.

my eyes were hazy again and it felt like i was looking past the mirror and not at myself. my posture was hunched over and i was skinnier from the lack of food, but it made me look even worse. my torso definitely wasn't toned (well, it never was) and my arms were too skinny. my hair was a fucking mess since i slept on it while it was wet, but it's not like i really cared about my hair at this time. i was concerned with my body. my body was fucked up.

"you're awake?" luke yawned as he spoke up. i turned to see the boy sitting up in bed, stretching out his arms.

"yeah, i'm gonna take a shower," i said. he looked at me weirdly, probably because we took a bath last night, but decided to not question me. i ended up shutting the bathroom door and switching on the shower. once my boxers were stripped off, i climbed into the shower.

i stood under the showerhead for a while. the water pounded against my back to the point where it felt numb, but i didn't moved. i stared at the tiles on the wall, wondering if they would suddenly reveal my emotions.

my mind had been searching for a coherent thought. ever since i woke up, i couldn't clearly think, i'd gain snippets of thoughts, but not a full thought which would cause me to either be happy or sad. i couldn't figure out my mood, but i knew that i felt incredibly weak. it was just sex, right? i'm a fucking guy sex isn't something out of the ordinary, everyone has sex. why was i so depressed over this, guys don't get depressed over this, right? but, i was the bottom, maybe i felt sad about that? did i regret it?

i hated the soreness in my ass. the slight pain kept prodding at my brain, reminding me to think about last night when i really wasn't in the mood to. all these strange, negative thoughts were prodding at the back of my head and it was really bothering me. i had no idea what to do about it, i had never been good at avoiding thoughts.

i eventually leaned forward and pressed my palms to the showerwall, my head drooped down as i stared at my feet. a wave of fear ran through my body and i found myself shaking. my body suddenly was reacting violently to all the thoughts that had been hiding in the back of my brain.

why did i have sex like that? it might not have been such a big deal if it was regular sex with a girl or even if i was on top, but i let luke fuck me. my thoughts recollected in my head and i remembered everything that had happened. i remember the pain and my brain tried to hide the pleasure i felt. he reminded me how luke didn't say much after and how he didn't say much this morning. and once again, my brain hid the fact that i tried to ignore him. to me, luke was always wrong when it came to anything sexual or alcohol related, there was no way i could do anything wrong. after all, i was innocent. i was a virgin just a day ago.

i couldn't stop shaking. this feeling was terrifying. obviously i had panic attacks like these before, but this time i felt so much anger. i didn't know why i was always so angry about things like this. looking back, it's disappointing to watch myself get angry about something that i shouldn't be mad about. especially when it involved someone like luke who didn't do anything bad to me, hell, i came onto him and now i assumed that he was bad.

my breathing was uneven, it felt like i was gasping for breath, and that made me even more anxious. i desperately searched my mind for a way to calm down, but i couldn't relax. my hands slid up the shower wall and grabbed onto the towel rack, squeezing it until my palms were red and in pain. i finally was able to distract myself using pain and i suddenly was back in reality. my vision was blurred as i looked up from the floor and stared at the tiles again, getting a grip on reality.

eventually, i got out of the shower, even if the warmth of it was comforting. i dried off with a towel and avoided the mirror as i walked into the bedroom, the towel wrapped around my waist. luke was sitting on the bed on his phone and i suddenly had the urge to look at who he was texting. i, of course, suppressed that urge and walked over to my bag, remaining silent. once i was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, i climbed onto the bed and laid down.

luke was annoyed. i could tell just by the way he was breathing heavily, like each breath he let out was a sigh. and i only got angrier each time he breathed. my blood was boiling, causing my hands to shake again. my breathing grew uneven and i couldn't stop my fingers from fidgeting, messing around with the sleeves of my shirt or the sheets. my mental health was slowly on the decline once again and i felt like i had no say in what thoughts popped into my head. i wasn't a part of my brain anymore, it had become its own entity and i was just a victim of it all. i definitely didn't have any control of my body and it was like i was watching from an outside perspective.

"you okay?" luke was now staring at me and i felt even more self-conscious. i quickly averted my eyes so we no longer had eye contact.

"yeah," i mumbled, my voice suddenly was unreliable and i couldn't speak in a normal tone.

"is this about last night?" luke saw past my useless response.

"i don't know."

"well, do you want to talk about it? you seem pretty effected by it all," he said.

"i don't know."

at this point it just seemed like i was being difficult and luke definitely took it that way, which makes sense. however, i didn't even know what to tell him. it's not like my brain was even going to give off the right information to him. it would probably just come off as gibberish. my thoughts were already clashing with one another, so i didn't see myself ever explaining my anxiety and anger to him without sounding like a lunatic.

"do you already regret having sex?" he asked disappointed. he said it like he expected it to happen.

"i don't know," i repeated, pausing after each word to get my point across. i was growing more and more angry and i really didn't want to blow up on luke, but i knew it would happen soon enough.

"you know sex is normal, right?" he asked. he was now sitting up and looking down at me since i just kept staring at the ceiling, trying to avoid the boy, "it's nothing to stress over, sex is gonna happen and it's weird and strange, especially when you think about it after. but, it'll be okay, i'm here to talk if you're ever anxious about it."

"i'm gay now," i told him.

he frowned, "well, you've been gay for a while now, you didn't suddenly become gay."

"this seals it all, i'm gay now, i can't go back," i told him, "you fucked me and there's no way i can avoid the fact that it was enjoyable... in some parts. i did all this and i can never be a normal guy again. i'm never going to be ordinary and life is gonna be fucking hard, luke."

he paused, trying to think of what to say to my weird statement, "well, you could be bisexual or pansexual, but i'm not gonna lecture you on that. ash, there's nothing wrong with being gay and it's not like you even have to come out to anyone, you aren't close to anyone but me. it's just you and me now and it's okay, the world is not a part of this. the world doesn't even give a fuck, as a matter of fact. and we're taking this one day at a time and you're gonna be stressed by the fact that you are different, but i'm here to help you through it."

"the future is just fucked at this point," i snapped, anger oozing out of every word, spiling from my lips like saliva, "i can't go back to anything anymore. i can't breathe anymore like a normally did, everything is different now. i can't avoid feelings anymore and keep it hidden because there are so fucking many and i don't know how to handle it all. i'm so fucking scared, i don't have a home, luke and i can only depend on you. i don't fucking know what to do."

each curse word was uttered with a hint of fury in the backdrop. my body was shaking again because i wanted to get angry so badly, but i didn't want to hurt luke. as i had said, he was all that i had. i had no option but to depend on this boy.

"i'm going to be here forever, ash, i love you."

"no you don't."

"yes i do."

"you barely even know me."

"yes i do."

"okay."