i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

heads.cars.bending

when i mentioned the voices, luke usually avoided it. he doesn't really get the idea that i was seeing people, most people did not see them, but i knew they were there. i had gotten used to them after a while. at first, i was scared, but once i realized they were speaking just what i thought, i didn't become as fearful. i was more accepting of them. i would listen, become affected by their words and then watch as they disappeared. it was alright now.

    "you know, you're not very cute," luke told me as his fingertips ran over my jawline. i just laughed quietly, "i know, luke. i never was trying to be."

    "usually i like cute boys or cute girls, you're different. i like you for just you!" he exclaimed the last part like it was this whole new idea to like someone for themselves.

    "well, you better, i don't have much else going for me," i murmured, looking into his eyes. his thumb traced over my bottom lip and i began to wonder how we had gotten to the point where luke was sitting between my legs, touching my face as though it was something brand new to him.

    i didn't mind. i liked the way his fingertips felt against my skin. i liked the attention he gave me when it was the two of us. even the city wasn't a part of the picture.

    "luke, are you gonna try to have sex with me?" i asked, i was looking at his forehead instead of his eyes. i remembered how i could count three moles that went along his hairline. i don't know if i even remembered what i asked after i started looking at him.

    "i don't know, depends if you want to," he said, "i always want to."

    he wasn't afraid when he was drunk. when he was sober he was always very open and not scared to speak his mind. but, when he was drunk he did whatever he wanted. i had noticed that over the years and it never really bothered me until i was sitting there with that boy between my legs.

    "i don't think so," i told him sincerely. the thought of losing my virginity to luke right now didn't sound ideal, even if i was drunk. he was still a new man to me, even if i had known him for such a long time. i was just now knowing the deeper parts of luke and i was in the midst of uncovering him for all that he truly is, not just this rich boy who buys happiness in the form of alcohol and drugs and then has sex because he likes the way pretty people look.

    in fact, i had no idea why luke was infatuated with me. if anything, it should've been the other way around. i was an average looking boy who had a mind trapped inside a cage of disorders. i was plagued by my own trap and i couldn't feel like other people did. i was scared of touch until luke managed to open me up to the world of romance. even now, i was skeptical of it all.

luke was beautiful. he had bright blue eyes and this beautiful face that was the kind that belonged on every pretty boy. he had this perfect jawline and this wide smile that made everyone else smile. he had long eyelashes and cute eyebrows that shaped his face. his hair was starting to grow out and curl at the ends and he looked like a fucking model. he had this lanky physique that even looked good without any working out. and he was looking into my eyes instead of at my face, because my mind was interesting to him. it was confusing to me.

"will you at least do something for me?" he asked innocently, looking at me with these big, blue eyes that could hold no harm. 

i found that my brain was making me nod, even though i didn't know if i could handle what he wanted me to do for him.

"can you give me a blowjob?" the boy asked, a hint of desperation in his voice, "i've just been wanting your lips on me for such a long time now."

"i don't know how, i'm not gonna be good," my mouth was speaking for me as i looked at him with those eyes that would do me no harm. they would never let me suffer.

"it's not hard," he assured, "all you gotta do it take it in your mouth and suck. don't worry if you aren't good, i won't care."

he tried to make me feel better about the whole idea, but it didn't help. the mind that was on the ground was telling me that it would be a bad idea and luke would make fun of me for being so bad at pleasuring him. however, my new brain was saying that i had to do this for him. it was only fair. after all, he had given me a handjob the other day.

"i guess i can," he managed out. i could still feel his eyes on me.

his face lit up and he immediately laid back, working on getting his pants and boxers down. it almost shocked to see him undress in front of me. it was making me nervous all of a sudden and i wasn't sure if i would be any good at this. luke was this guy who had sex with lots of people and i was a virgin who had assumed he was straight up until a few days ago. now, i was sitting between the legs of a boy who was expecting me to easily just suck him off like all the girls and boys before me.

but, i didn't express this uncertainty, instead, i brought my head down between his legs and was faced with his erection. all i had was the knowledge of porn and it was a girl giving the blowjob, so i wasn't sure if there was something different i should do since i was a boy.

my brain was fuzzy from the alcohol, so i could barely remember what to do to make the blowjob good. his erection was lying against his stomach, and i could see his chest quickly moving up and down as i got closer.

i tried jerking him off for a minute, just to at least get used to something. i knew how to do this, so i did it, enjoying the way that he groaned at the slight wave of pleasure. finally, i just decided to do it and stop thinking so much. i was already drunk, what was there to lose?

i took the tip in my mouth at first and it felt weird to have a dick in my mouth. it was pressing heavy against my tongue and i didn't even know what to do with my tongue. i wasn't sure how far i was supposed to take it in. all my knowledge from porn was deepthroating, so i tried to take in more, but soon realized there was no way i could deepthroat.

    luke seemed to like it so far. he wasn't moaning loudly or anything, but the small noises slipping from his lips were encouragement enough for me. i tried to work on sucking, making use of my tongue. luke liked that more, so i kept on with that pattern.

    i wasn't thinking much about how hot he looked. i was drunk, so if i concentrated on anything else but sucking, i knew i would get distracted and stop doing it. every once in awhile i would steal a glance and see that look of pleasure that spread across his face. the one where his mouth was slightly agape and his eyes were hooded. he was also drunk, so his face had that glow to it, not to mention all the sweat covering his body, even if it wasn't warm out.

    the feeling of his penis in my mouth wasn't very nice, but i guess it was good that he liked it. i was desperately trying to make sure i kept with the sucking and was scared to change it up, but i got distracted by luke's face. my teeth accidentally pressed against his length and he cried out.

    "fuck, ash, you can't just bite me, watch your teeth," he warned.

    i was slightly embarrassed, but went back to sucking and i even let him grab my hair and push my head against his dick a little. feeling his dick slide deeper into my mouth definitely felt strange and uncomfortable, but i let him do it because i was supposed to.

    my hearing was fuzzy from the heat of the moment so i could barely hear luke as he warned me that he was going to come. he told me that he was gonna do it in my mouth because he didn't have a way to clean it up.

    so, i was shocked as i felt his semen fill my mouth and slide down my throat. i didn't even realize that would happen, so a whole unpleasant feeling filled my body as i tasted his release in my mouth and forced myself to swallow down the miserable taste.

    he pulled himself out of my mouth and i just slowly sat up on the car seats, watching as luke began to relax.