i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

somebody else

a few more days had passed and i had let the club incident go. obviously it still had bothered me, since there was a lot lying beneath our currently simple relationship, but there was nothing we were going to do about it now, so it was best not to argue about something that neither of us were willing to fix right now.

"hey, so calum and michael are going on a double date tonight and will probably be out all night if they're lucky, so do you wanna chill here with drinks and eat takeout?" he asked me, like it wasn't something we did every other night. i'm guessing it was basically his adaptation of a date, since he was absolutely shit at them. i gave it to him this time, because he wanted to see like a romantic guy, even if he wasn't.

"yeah, i'm up for that," i smiled at him. his face lit up and i knew it was worth lying to him this time.

later that night, our roommates left and we were alone in the house, which was refreshing. obviously, calum and michael knew that there was something going on between luke and i. i tried to hide it before, but one day as we were both eating, calum started talking about how loud we were during our first time and soon realized that there was no way we could hide it here. plus, luke had probably at some point told them that he was pansexual.

we ended up in the living room that night with tons of chinese food scattered on the coffee table, because luke was "starving". so, i ate a little bit of everything while luke scarfed down everything i didn't eat.

we stayed sprawled out on the couch, after we finished eating and that's when luke pulled out the alcohol. immediately, i assumed that we were gonna have sex tonight, which was the case, so i was slightly excited. i had begun to get used to our sex and had developed a real sex drive. i got turned on a lot by him, now that we were more settled with our feelings. my body began to notice things about this boy that i hadn't even noticed before. luke bit his fingernails a lot, especially when it was just the two of us. it was kind of cute that he got nervous around me. sadly, it made me happy that he was worried about me, because it made me think that he cared about me. little did i know that it was much more complex than that.

"make me a drink," i demanded, "make it super fucking girly, i don't wanna taste much alcohol."

he laughed at me, "fine, but only because you're really cute."

"that was so gay."

"no shit."

luke ended up going to the kitchen and made me one drink. then another. and another. he obviously was a lot better at drinking than me, so he just took some shots to get drunk while i sipped at the fruity drinks he made me. another hour had passed and we both were ridiculously drunk, we had obviously went overboard, but at least we were alone in the apartment.

"alright, can we go to the bedroom now?" i whined, "you're drunk enough now, aren't you?"

i hadn't been this drunk in a long time and it was becoming more and more embarrassing and uncomfortable. thoughts and worries were automatically slipping from my lips without any conscience to direct them.

"uh yeah," he mumbled. his eyes were hazy and it seemed like he wasn't in the mood to argue about something like this, so he just took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, shutting the door behind us. he didn't even have enough of a brain right now to be romantic or lustful, he just grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the bed. i accidentally fell backwards onto it, whereas he fell on top of me. he decided to just play it off like he meant to do that, so he started kissing me.

our bodies molded together in a way that made me really hot. we were really close and wearing way too much clothes being so drunk and horny. so, i grabbed at his shirt and tried lifting it over his head. he had to pull away from the kiss and take it off himself. he managed to help me take mine off because i was a mess. i wasn't as used to being drunk as he was, so i was way more incoherent.

it ended up taking way longer than i had wanted for us to undress, but finally we were back on top of each other, naked. my body still felt like it was on fire, but this time it felt way better. the feel of his body against mine was making me feel not only more horny, but also comfortable, as weird as it sounds. it felt comforting to feel his skin against mine, like we couldn't get closer. i finally could rely on someone else, even if he wasn't perfect right now.

"luke, can we just do it? i don't want anymore teasing," i mumbled against his lips as he grinded our hips together. we were both obviously hard, pressing against each other, so i was annoyed that he wanted to tease me and get us more worked up. he always liked getting me frustrated during sex so i would beg for him.

he didn't say anything. he was rather silent tonight, but he still didn't hesitate to lube up his fingers and shove one inside of me, before i even expected it. i cried out, in half pleasure and half surprise. immediately, i gripped onto his available arm with one hand and the sheets with the other. every once in a while i would glance up and look at his expression as he thrusted his fingers. it got me more worked up seeing him with his bottom lip between his teeth as he concentrated on giving me pleasure. even as someone versatile, i had to admit it was the fucking hottest thing ever when he bit his lip and tried to pleasure me as much as he possibly could.

"luke, just fuck me, i don't wanna come right now," i whined. i had definitely lost my conscience because i normally would never whine like a fucking baby for luke during sex. he seemed to be rather happy about that, so he quickly pulled a condom on, lubed it up, and spread my legs. automatically, i bent my legs back towards my body so he'd be able to easily thrust in. it was just another example of how used to him i had been getting. normally, i would be a lot more apprehensive to spread my legs immediately. but i trusted luke then, so i had no doubts. i wish i would've thought a little more. i also wish i wasn't so drunk that night.

he slowly slid in. i still wasn't exactly used to that stretch, but luke was always careful with me, worried i would cry out in pain. the first few times i would complain about the pain and luke would immediately get worried and i would have to remind him to thrust again once i was adjusted. it always surprised me how careful he was. i would've expected him to rougher, but even when i asked him to be rougher, he still didn't go that hard because he worried about me.

i had to remind him to start thrusting tonight, but it wasn't because he was worried, he was just fucking out of it. he was acting very strange tonight, like a quieter type of drunk. i didn't really mind, since i was also wasted and was just enjoying the pleasure he was creating for me.

"luke, harder," i moaned, wrapping my legs around his waist as he thrusted sloppily. usually he was a lot more coordinated with his movements, even when he was drunk, but tonight he was different. normally i would've noticed, but tonight i didn't really give a fuck about anything but myself, as selfish as it sounds.

he tried to follow my command, but he wasn't doing that good of a job thrusting in general. so, i ended up jacking myself off in tune with his thrusts, to get myself over the edge. i glanced up at luke every once in a while and surprisingly noticed that he was close to orgasming. his eyes were closed and his lips were parted, small moans slipped his lips. he was really cute when he was moaning, close to his orgasm. he was just in his own world at this point.

a few more minutes had passed and we both had finally orgasmed. he pulled out and collapsed onto the space beside me. i wasn't as exhausted as i normally was, since it hadn't been that great of sex, so i sat up and cleaned my chest off with tissues while luke threw away the condom. we laid back on the bed, side by side in silence.

it grew increasingly uncomfortable as luke's breathing got noticeably louder and quicker, like he was about to have an anxiety attack. i turned to look at the boy, and saw that he definitely looked panicked.

"luke? babe, what's wrong?" i sat up, looking down at the boy.

"i have to tell you something, i can't hide it anymore but you're going to hate me. you're going to fucking hate me so much," he mustered out, short of breath as he spoke.

that's when i began to get really nervous. i had known that the boy was hiding a lot from me, after all, i had only recently found out that he was a drug dealer, but he seemed really scared to say this one. this was really serious.

"luke, you can tell me."

i really didn't want to know.

the room fell silent for what felt like a while and he finally spoke up.

"i raped a girl."