i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

please be naked

 we ended up back at the apartment, and thankfully calum and michael were out, so we had the place to ourselves. we made it back to the bedroom and both us laid down.

we hadn't talked at all the walk home, we just kept our hands locked as we walked down the road. for once, i wasn't worried that someone would see us. it felt right for once. i wasn't thinking about the situation at hand, i just let it go for the time being.

i wanted to let the affection stay longer, instead of fading into an argument, that was underneath our feet, so i ended up gaining some confidence. so, i sat up and crawled towards luke. i got on top of his lap, sitting up with legs on either side of his hips. i was pressed right against his crotch and i liked the power i suddenly had gained.

he looked up at me with confusion, "what are you doing?"

"take a guess."

i leaned down, my hands pressed to his chest and connected our lips. slowly, my hands gripped his shirt, feeling up the fabric between my fingers. i wanted to desperately feel his skin, be reminded of how real he was in that moment. his skin would feel so hot underneath my fingertips and i would become a part of him. his skin would be as hot as mine. i wanted to press our naked chests together and be so close to him. and sex, was something that could bring us the closest humans could be. for once, i was craving this closeness with the boy who had broken my heart.

but, i was pushed out of my imagination, literally. luke had pushed me off of him and i ended up falling off his lap, my butt falling into the mattress. i immediately sat up and frowned, annoyed, "what the hell was that for?"

"i don't want sex tonight," he muttered, avoiding eye contact.

"well you didn't have to fucking shove me," i mocked his quiet tone before speaking up, "and why don't you want sex? is it because i was gonna top?"

"no, i just don't want sex, ashton , that's all," he mumbled, growing annoyed.

"fine, whatever," i muttered and laid back down on the bed, my arms were crossed over my chest. i was definitely being over dramatic, but i also felt embarrassed that he had rejected me. it made me feel as though he didn't actually like me because of that. but, i also wanted to be upset and have him comfort me.

"i literally just don't want to have sex, it's not a big deal," he argued, "don't mope around like this."

"but you're a teenage guy, how are you not in the mood?" i argued.

"well i just cried my eyes out like thirty minutes ago so that kind of killed my boner," he rolled his eyes. i once again realized that i was being stupid and felt embarrassed for that, "yeah... you're right, sorry."

luke ended up holding onto me from behind and we fell asleep for a while.

-

the next day, i ended up in a shitty bar with luke, sitting in a small booth across from one another as he watched calum and michael from the corner of his eye. i stared at luke, watching his every move, angrily. i didn't want to be here, but somehow i let luke convince me.

he told me that it would be quick and he didn't want to leave me alone tonight. he wanted me to be there and of course i said no at first, but then he said he didn't want to be alone if he got hurt, so there i was sitting in a booth with a torn up seat. annoyance covered my whole face and i was even more annoyed when luke wouldn't take notice of me being annoyed.

luke had downed two hard drinks already and i hadn't bothered to get one. i didn't want to get drunk, it fucking sucked. it was better to just have luke get drunk alone so i could take care of him. well, right now it was probably a dumb idea for him to get drunk while doing a drug deal, but that was his problem not mine.