Nothing Goes As Planned

CHAPTER THIRTEEN - Close To A Breakdown

It's been a week since I spent that afternoon with Mum, and things have returned to normal. I don't know what I was expecting. It was a once in a blue moon thing spending that time with her. I was just hoping that after that time with her, there'd be more. I didn't expect that she'd submerge herself into work even more than before and texting me less.

I throw my weight into the next punch. Once my fist connects with the bag, it swings back, before coming back toward me. I hit it with my opposite hand next. My punches become quicker and more force is put behind them. I use my anger and sadness and rejection to make the bag swing farther back.

Glove. Bag. Glove. Bag. Glove. Bag.

I do this until my biceps burn so much they feel they might explode. I take the gloves off and lay on the mat. I place my hands under my butt and do flutter kicks and leg raises until my legs have the same burning as my arms. I flip onto my stomach into a planking position. I count to 80 in my head before relaxing and getting back onto my feet. I go through some netball exercises now. Jump tucks, high knees, butt kicks, squats, sprints and running drills. I finish it off with as many situps and burpees my body can handle.

I wipe the sweat off my forehead and take a drink from my water bottle. I head back inside and change into my speedos. Despite the cold, I love swimming. It clears my head and I love the feel of my body gliding through the water. I grab a thick towel and a blanket, too. I find my goggles before going out to the pool. I place the goggles on my face and dive in. The cold captures my body instantly, but I emerge and start freestyle. My body warms up quickly and after a few laps I turn to butterfly. I do this for a while longer before doing breaststroke, then my favourite, backstroke.

I clamber out of the pool shivering and my lungs rising and falling rapidly. I wrap my towel around me, drying all the excess water off, before I replace it with the blanket and run back inside.

I jump in the shower, letting the water warm every inch of my body. My head feels clearer after I pushed my body, the way it always does after a vigorous workout.

You push yourself too much, Cass.

It's worth it. To get rid of the thoughts, every second is worth it.

It's still too much!

Yeah, well feeling like you're worth nothing will make you push yourself.

You're not worth nothing!

Tell that to Mum. And Dad. I haven't heard from him in a while too. Maybe it's like a piggy in the middle thing. Leave me on my own for long enough and see which parental I go running to first? Or maybe they just really don't care? That's also a possibility.

You have to stop thinking like this. They do care! You just have to give them a chance.

They've had years of chances.

I don't know what to say to that.

Exactly! No one does. It's all the same sympathetic looks. The looks I hate.

It'll get better. It always does.

Yeah, for a moment. I get a moment of happiness before it gets ripped away from me. I can't keep living like this. With all the bottled up feelings and the snippets of conversations I still have no idea what they're about. I just can't keep it up.

I'm not too sure if you have a choice...

I try to push my mind clear and just focus on the warmth of the water. I'm tired of everything. I just want to shut it all out. Or even better, I want it all to end.

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Okay! So I know that this chapter is a lot shorter than the last few!

But I wanted to give an insight to Cassidy's thoughts and emotions. Let you all know her real mindset and what she thinks of the situation around her.

Hope you enjoyed!

28/03/2017