The Flash Imagines....

The heart wants what it wants

Imagine sleeping with HR because you can't get over Harry's death.

When it gets dark and everyone heads home, there's still one person left in the Labs since he lives here. That alone is a temptation enough and you wish it were easier. You wish you were a good person and weren't doing this, but yet, you keep it on. You just keep coming back to him night after night even though deep down inside you know that he isn't your Harry. You're lying to yourself, pretending. Maybe you need it.
You come over to his room, not even surprised that by now he is waiting for you. When he opens his mouth to speak, you quickly put your finger to it, knowing that if you let him say something, anything, the spell will be broken. You will know instantly that he isn't the one you really want. You don't love this man. You don't even like him. In fact, during the day he's nothing but an annoyance and a painful reminder. Yet, during the night he's everything you need.
You bury your hands in his hair when you kiss him, then grab his shirt and yank it off of him, breaking the kiss for a second and running your hands through his chest; every part of his body, all of it so familiar and so dear to you.
And just like any other night when you sink to bed with him, you promise yourself it's the last time. You last during the day, being strong for your friends, for your team, but you can't do it during the night. It's too much.
***
You're surprised the next day when you get to work, late as usual. You're always up late and sneaking out of HR's room to get to your apartment, take a shower and show up at work in a fresh change of clothes. Your friends were bound to notice sometimes. And it happens that sometimes is today.
"Don't," you say when you see Barry and Cisco just standing there, waiting for you. "I know what you're going to say, so just don't."
"Y/N, why are you doing this to yourself?" Barry simply asks.
"It's not your business," you say through clenched teeth. You're tensed, nervous and you feel like crying.
"Y/N, you need to accept the fact that Harry is gone and nothing will bring him back," Cisco speaks gently.
"Barry can," you point out harshly.
"You know I can't do that," he says heavily.
"Being with HR won't bring Harry back. Do you really think that it's all right to use him this way?" Cisco asks and it's clear that this conversation is hard for him.
"Do you think he would want that for you?" Barry simply follows. "Y/N, we all care about you here and we think you need to maybe take a break, get away for a while. Or, if you want to stay, we'll send HR home. Him being here is too much for you."
That's when the damn breaks inside of you and you know that this moment, the moment your secret is revealed, you simply can't deceive yourself any longer. Everyone else knows, so you just can't. It's too real now. Harry is really gone.
"I think I need to get away for a while," you say, looking down at the floor, not able to face your friends. How could you do something so horrible? You've done nothing but destroy the memories you have of Harrison. Nothing but destroyed your relationship, simply desecrated it.
Without another word, you turn around and leave. Maybe forever. Maybe for just a while.
"She's still clueless," Barry sighs when turning to Cisco. "She has no idea you're in love with her. She never had."
"Better keep it that way," Cisco warns his friend. "She has enough on her plate." It's clear that your actions hurt him, too. That he never dared think you'd fall for him now when Harry is gone, but he thought that you would at least choose his arm to lean on.
"You'd be so much better for her," Barry says in the same heavy voice when patting Cisco on the back. "At least you're someone close to her own age."
"The heart wants what it wants."