avoiding time ; j.jk

yeolhana

Jieun's POV

The next couple of days, Guk wasn't in school. I spoke to Taehyung about it and he said that Jeongguk has been in the hospital talking to doctors about getting treatment. It made me sad that I couldn't go visit him in there because he doesn't have a clue that i know. But I'm glad he's okay.

It was currently lunch time and i was sat with Mrs Kim in her class, helping her grade the task we did the other day.

I grabbed another pile of papers and a red pen. I was bout to start more grading when i saw Jeongguk's task. I sneakily grabbed it and started grading it first. He didn't want me to read what he wrote. He barely even spoke to me yesterday.

'Something that is really difficult to talk about is my problem and cancer. I know you know but when my had comes in contact with a pen and some paper, I just can't help but rant on about my problems. It's like a new hobby of mine.

Anyway, my doctor wants me to get treatment, so do my parents, and step-brother. But I honestly don't want to. God gave me this cancer for a reason, and i have to accept it. It's not something i can just easily get rid of. It's part of who I am, and I have to live with it. God has a plan for everybody, and I trust him.

You see, the problem is Jieun. Ever since she first stepped in the class, she has never left my mind. She is the highlight of my day. I don't want to tell her I have leukemia, I'm worried that she won't want to speak to me, or be my friend, or girlfriend. I don't want that. I really like Jieun. In fact, I love her, and she knows that.

I have told her infinite times that I love her, and she says it back. But the problem is, I don't want her to love me. I just hope that when she says it, she lies. But love has no time to waste, to say it. I'm madly in love with her, and every little, amazing thing that she does. Like the way she gets frustrated when she doesn't understand something, I find it cute. Or when she laughs really hard that her eyes start watering, and falls on the floor in hysterics.

But everytime I'm with her, I'm worried my cancer will get in the way, and make me stop seeing her. I spend almost everynight in the hospital. I worry that I won't make it, that I won't be able to see her, hold her in my arms or meet her at the end of the aisle one day. It worries me that i will never know when my last conversation with her will be, and if i say the right thing, or the wrong thing.

I want her to feel safe with me, I want her to feel protected, I want her to feel like she will never get hurt. I want her to know that she is loved, I want her to know she is cared for, and i want her to know that she deserves the world. But this stupid disease just gets in the way. I'm afraid I'll lose her, and i love her so much that i can't risk it. And until i die from this disease, i'll just be avoiding time.'