Falling is the easy part (Camren)

31

Camila:

After Mum and Grandma died I was convinced that there was someone out to get me, someone, or something that was stopping me from being happy. I don't really believe in God, nor am I particularly spiritual or filled with a faith in some all-seeing power or whatever. But back then I was sure that there was something that meant I was destined never to be happy.

I guess I continued to believe that for the next few years.

I got myself into a routine; swimming, partying, half-heartedly studying, sleeping around, and I was content in that. Happy? Probably not. But I was surviving. I was coping. And as long as I was living my little routine I didn't hit rock bottom again. Maybe I was just hiding, maybe I was just ignoring everything else. That's what the therapists said. That I was blocking. But drinking and dancing and sleeping with strangers in between the sessions and the pool meant I didn't have the time to stop and think about anything else. And that's kinda the way I liked it.

It kept me away from the darkness. It stopped me from focusing on the hard cold facts. Stopped me from remembering.

Orphan.

Alone.

Death.

Alone.

And then I met Lauren and everything changed. In one night everything I thought was true became untrue. Believing that the drinking and the dancing and the sleeping with strangers was making me happy was all a myth. Everything completely changed. I had someone. And for the first time in years I realised that I could be happy. That I was allowed to experience something other than sadness and loneliness and darkness.

But here I am.

The laughter stopped. The lightness and fun has been sucked from the room like we were in a vacuum, and all I can see is Lauren's face by the door. There's someone here to see me. And it really doesn't take a genius to work out who it might be. I mean I don't exactly have crowds of people fighting over me do I? I have very few people in my life. Two of them are in this room right now and have been giving me one of the nights of my life. One is probably still at the pool going over training programmes and still revelling in the pride of getting one of his swimmers into the national squad. And then there's the three who I've lived with for the past year and a half, one of which I'm sure never wants to see me again.

So that leaves Normani and Dinah.

I'm gonna have to face up to everything again ain't I? It looks like maybe there is something that when I'm laughing and genuinely feeling it happy, it wants to drag me back down. Clearly I'm not meant to enjoy myself.

I could feel Jay and Lauren's eyes on me as I hopped onto my feet, abandoning my glass of celebratory fizz. Though I probably should have downed it or something, helped take the edge off, numb the pain.

Lauren continued to watch me as I neared the door, her brow knitted in concern. I wanted her to reach out for me, just to squeeze my hand or something. Anything. But as I got closer I saw her hand gripping the door handle so tightly her knuckles had whitened. She was stopping herself from reacting too much. I felt my heart surge, she wanted to protect me.