Falling is the easy part (Camren)

13

Camila:

Here's the deal about not having any family left; you get used to being on your own. You get used to looking after yourself, to becoming independent and not needing anyone else. You get used to that ache in your chest. You get used to not trusting people, to not letting people in and not opening up. It's become like second nature to me. I'm used to being alone. I'm used to looking after myself. I'm used to not needing anyone. It's not that I like being that way. Obviously. But I have to be. I don't have anyone.

No-one.

Or at least I didn't. Until I met Lauren.

Dinah and Ally and Normani have been amazing, really they have. I often think I'd have probably given up on university if it wasn't for them. But whether I need them, I'm not sure? No, that's not fair, I do. I'm sure I do. Having them three around has saved me and it's better than being completely alone. But still, there's only so much I've opened up, only so much they know. And that's the way I want it. Honestly. I don't want them to keep me around out of pity, or because they know I truly have nowhere else to go. They're my best friends and I love them. And I need them around.

But Lauren. She knows nothing. I haven't opened up at all. I haven't told her that my Dad left when I was two years old. I haven't admitted that my Mum died three years ago today. I haven't told her that my Grandma, the only family I had left, died not long after. She knows virtually nothing about me. But yet, it's her, I've run to tonight. It's her who I needed to see tonight, her who I needed to hold me, her who I needed to soothe me and tell me it's all going to be okay.

It's her who's holding me tightly right now and rubbing my back and kissing my head as I sob quietly into her shoulder.

I had her shirt all bunched up in one of my fists, I couldn't let go. I need something to hold onto. I need to hold on to her. For the first time in so long, I want someone to look after me. I want someone to be there for me. I want Lauren to look after me and be there for me. And so far, she's doing pretty well. I felt her lips brush over my hairline again and I hugged her tighter.

She's probably freaking out right? I mean having someone turn up on your doorstep sobbing uncontrollably ain't exactly normal. It's not exactly what you expect on a Friday night. I'm lucky she was even in and not out in town or something, let alone that she actually realised I was outside. It's not like I knocked. No, I was a coward. I freaked. I got scared. But yet, she found me, a sobbing mess, and just wrapped me up and held me tight. She didn't freak. She didn't get scared. Or if she did she didn't show it. Not like me.

What's wrong with me?

Lauren squeezed my arm gently and I slowly lifted my head from her shoulder. She was watching me, all concern and worried. She cares. "Babe, do you want me to get you a drink or anything?"

My stomach flipped when she called me babe. Even though she'd called me that before, in our flirty texts or whilst we're rolling about in her bed together, this felt different. This felt heartfelt. She really cares. The whole sentiment knocked me back so much that it took me a moment or two too long to answer her. In fact I wasn't even really sure what she'd asked anymore. The concern in her eyes, much like the concern I'd seen in them that moment we met for the first time in the club and Jay had thrown my drink all over me, had stunned me. It had been a while since anyone had appeared so bothered about me.

I nodded. I must still be shivering or shaking or whatever, because Lauren ran her hand down my arm before speaking again, "are you cold? Do you want a warm drink? Tea? Hot chocolate?"

"Hot chocolate would be nice," I croaked out in a strained voice. Suppose that's what I get for crying all fucking afternoon and then drinking a large amount of straight vodka. Lauren smiled and removed her arm from around my back as she moved to get up. "Thank you."