Falling is the easy part (Camren)

22

Camila:

Friday was hard.

I couldn't work how to put what was going on in my head into words for Lauren. It's like there's so much buzzing around all of the time and I know it's effecting me, but no matter how hard I try I can't for the life of me formulate any kind of comprehensible sentence. Not one that properly explains how I'm feeling. Not one that describes what's going on with me.

I wanted to tell her. I wanted to let her in. After the other day, and me spilling all, I want to let her in all the time. But there I was, laying in her arms and I was struggling. Big time. There was so much going on in my head, stuff that I know I needed to tell Lauren before it gets too much. And I couldn't do it.

Not for want of trying.

I just couldn't do it. The words became all mangled or just came out sounding stupid and wrong. I guess spending the past three years saying very little at all has left me with a severe problem when it comes to opening up to people. I knew there was all this stuff I wanted to say, and I tried to verbalise it and get it across to Lauren and I just messed it up. I just always end up saying the wrong thing or missing the actual point I set out to say or just stumble over my words. I'm a disaster.

And yet Lauren just continued to squeeze me tight and hug me against her, smiling sweetly as I struggle to get words out. She's just perfect you know.

The middle of the night when we were both worn out from our little catch up session, and when we'd both had more than a few drinks earlier on in the evening probably wasn't the best of times to decide to bare all again. But it's not like I knew when I was going to get another chance. And it had all been playing on my mind a lot over those few days spent apart from her, I felt like I had to get it out.

But I couldn't.

Who else do I have to turn to?

Other than Jay and I really didn't fancy sneaking into his room at three am for another heart to heart, no matter how good I felt after the last one. Going into Jay's room at night could possibly result in my being scarred for life.

So I just gave up. That's why I found myself in the library on a Monday afternoon, instead of on the sofa watching day time television, or at the pool, or even in the pub with Ally. I was distracting myself. Keeping myself busy.

Or at least that was the plan.

Maybe if I'd actually been in the library before, I might have known how annoyingly quiet it was in here. And if I was one of those people who could keep my mind focused on the intricacies of the structure of the knee and shoulder joints then maybe my head wouldn't have wandered to a certain green eyed. Work had been pushed aside. I hadn't turned the page of my textbook in nearly half an hour. The words had become blurred and had lost all meaning. She's all I think about. Kinesiology just can't compete. And that's exactly why I'd pulled my phone out ten minutes ago and quickly sent out a quick text. And just like that, the words on the page in front of me untangled themselves, the deafening silence didn't make me feel like I was in some sort of prison, my mind was able to think about two different things at once again.

Someone slipped into the chair opposite me. I didn't have to look up to know who it was. Nor did I need to see that she was smiling. I could just feel it. Funny that. It was like my body warmed up and my heart started beating all fact and I didn't even have to look at her. Just knowing that she was there, this close, and feeling that she was smiling did all that. Guess that proves it then.

I love her. I'm in love with her. I'm crazy about her.

I tapped my pen against my notebook, listening to her rummage about in her bag, pulling out paper and books and pens and then laying them out on the desk between us. I'd learnt fairly quickly that Lauren is super well organised when it comes to stuff like this, verging on like OCD levels. I've seen the way her desk in her room is laid out, everything all in line and neatly sorted into little piles and that. And I noticed at the weekend, when I'd lain awake in bed beside her, a revision schedule newly tacked to the wall, all colour-coded and perfectly written out. I think if it was anyone else I'd have laughed, but there's something about it being Lauren that just makes me think it's cute. Like super cute.