Falling is the easy part (Camren)

23

Camila:

I couldn't stop smiling.

The muscles in my face were beginning to ache I'd been smiling that much today, but I didn't care. How could I? I'd done it. Three gold medals. Two personal bests. One seriously pleased coach and a very interested man from the national team. Not bad for a couple of hours work.

And the bestest part?

The proud girlfriend beaming down at me from the balcony as I pulled myself out of the water. The look in her eyes and the brightest smile I've ever seen on her face. That fuzzy warmth in my chest was back. And the tingly feeling in my fingers and toes. And the flapping of the butterflies in my stomach. Even from way up there above me, stood amongst the cheering crowd, she still did things to me. Made me feel all, well, all warm and fuzzy and tingly.

Loved. That's it. Seeing her up there, smiling all big and clapping and cheering, made me feel loved. A bit like that feeling I used to get when Mum would watch me, and my Grandma. Different obviously. But similar. It made me feel loved. I'd missed that feeling. Loved.

And then when I'd been congratulated by like, a trillion different people, and I'd finally been allowed to shower and get out of my swimming costume, she'd been there waiting outside the changing rooms. Granted so was Jay, and Dinah and Normani and Ally, and a whole bunch of other people. But she was there. Still smiling all big. Still looking proud and still making me feel all loved. Still giving me that warm, fuzzy, tingly feeling and making the butterflies flap all excitedly.

Dinah and the girls had jumped on me, pulling me into a group hug and shrieking and squeaking and telling me I was brilliant over and over again. Don't get me wrong, that had felt good too. Amazing in fact. But it wasn't the hug I wanted most when I'd walked out of the changing room. And the sloppy kisses against my cheeks and forehead weren't the sort of kisses I really wanted either. She'd shot me a look as the girls finally released me, that's all it took, one look and I knew that's what she really wanted too.

It had only taken a quick mumbled excuse about popping to the loo before we left to go back to the house and I soon found myself with my back pressed up against a cubicle door and Lauren's lips against mine. She'd kissed me hard and soft at the same time. Like she was trying to tell me a million different things in one kiss.

I'd kissed back just as hard and just as soft. There were a million different things I wanted to say. But kissing would do. And hopefully she would know how grateful I was of her coming to watch, how much it meant to me. She hopefully picked up that I was trying to tell her that I'm in love with her, that I need her, that I know she loves me back as my hands slipped into her hair and my tongue fought with hers for dominance.

When we'd finally broke apart and she'd stopped showering me with all the compliments she could think of, we'd just looked at each other. The kind of look that goes straight through me. She's good at that. I've got a feeling that when it comes to Lauren, that warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest is never going to leave. Or at least that's what it feels like when she looks at me like that. Loved. She loves me. She cares about me. She drops everything to come watch me swim. She hides in toilet cubicles with me just to kiss me and tell me I'm amazing. And then I just knew.

"There's a drinks thing tonight," I'd told her, playing with her fingers in mine, still leaning back against the cubicle. "The swimming club are putting on this celebratory party for the end of the universities competition. I know, well, you can't exactly come with me, but I'd like it if you could come. And Jay too if he wants."

And that was it.

I made some kind of step. I dunno, maybe it was a step closer to getting what I wanted, to being able to be with Lauren in public. I wanted her there beside me as people shook my hand and congratulated me on my trial with the national squad. I wanted her to be able to smile proudly when I introduce her as my girlfriend and tell them how supportive and amazing she is. But I'm not ready for that. Just knowing she was there, celebrating with me and being all proud and smiling at me would be enough. For now it would have to be. I can deal with that.