Falling is the easy part (Camren)

26

Camila:

It was quiet, but then it was always like that here. Never anyone about, and when there is, they're always silent anyway. The only noise is that of the wind rushing through the trees and the faint sound of the road in the distance.

Peaceful.

Ironic really. I didn't feel very peaceful. Far from it. I felt the complete opposite of peaceful inside. I'm not sure of the word for it, I've never been good with words. Chaotic maybe? Confused? It's stronger than that. But not quite inner turmoil. Like I said, words have never been my strong point. All I know is that I'm definitely not feeling very at peace with myself right now.

When I was little my Mum used to say she could always tell when I was upset, or when something was bothering me because I used to sit staring in to space with my knees tucked into my chest like I was trying to roll up into a ball. I'd found myself sat in that exact position in the early hours of this morning. I hadn't been able to sleep. The girls were all out somewhere but I'd faked a migraine and retired to my room to watch Disney and try not to think about Lauren and how I'd screwed things up.

It hadn't worked.

The trying not to think about Lauren I mean. She was all I could think about the entire way through Beauty and the Beast when it occurred to me she kinda looks a bit like Belle. And then during Aladdin all I could think about was that she'd told me it was her favourite and we should watch it together some time. She's all I ever think about.

Now I don't know whether I'll get the chance to watch it with her. I hope I do. God do I hope I do? There's nothing I'd love more right now than to snuggle up with her and watch Disney together.

But before we can do that again, if we ever can, there's something I have to do.

It was especially quiet today. Sunday I suppose, less traffic on the roads and there's no a breath of wind. Normally I prefer it when it's at the quietest but today it was like an added pressure. No distractions, no excuses. This was it. I sat down cross-legged on the grass and picked at the dead remnants of the flowers I brought last time I was here. I should have brought some more today. Guess I've had other things on my mind. I hope she'd understand that.

It's not the only thing I hope she understands.

"I had the big swimming competition the other day," I started slowly, picking apart a dried up brown lily. "I did it, you know. I swam the best I ever have I think. And the scouts and that, they loved me. I've done it. Everything we ever spoke about, everything we ever dreamt about, it's all happening for me. Finally."

I felt a smile tug at my lips. Not a big one. Or the brightest. But I was a smile none the least. Just a brief one, just for a split second, as if for that smallest of moments things were different. But the dead flower hanging from my head reminded me that they weren't. That they're not.

"You remember when Grandma was worried about you pushing me too hard to swim? She thought that I wasn't as in to the whole thing as you thought as I was, you remember?" I pulled another dead flower from its stem and rolled the leaves in between my fingers so they made a crackling sound and crumbled into hundreds of tiny little fragments. "I'm glad you did keep pushing me you know. I'm glad you kept me focused and had faith in me. You used to tell me I could do anything, and that you'd always believe in me."

I dropped the tiny pieces of dried up flower on to the grass. No distractions right? No fiddling, no hiding my eyes, no muttering and mumbling. No more fucking running. I'm tired of running. Fed up of it. That's not who I am anymore right? I promised myself. Opening up to Lauren was meant to change me, meant to be the start of a new me. But here I am, still running and hiding. I'm tired of not getting to be who I want to be outside of Lauren's flat.