i left my heart in my mind (ashton irwin a.u.)

talk!

"see ya," he murmured, glancing up from his phone to flash a quick smile. i headed out without another word, shutting the door behind me.

luke' house was always baffling to me every time i entered, he was definitely rich, it was needless to say to even anyone simply passing by his house. it was enormous, fixed with modern furniture and appliances that his mother carefully picked out. luke hadn't always fit the rich stereotype. he was an outcast for a while at school. he had a speech impediment which caused him to stutter, so everyone thought he was weird. i also was very obviously a weird kid at school, so we just decided it was best if we hung out so we seemed less lonely. and that worked for a while; we would just sit by each other and not say anything, since luke feared talking to people and it would make us seem less pathetic. eventually i talked to the kid and he would give short answers. i continued doing so until he would finally extend his sentences and we became closer and closer, leading us to where we are now. luke had grown out of his speech impediment, so now he was outgoing and got along with anyone he met, leading him to go to all these parties and drink and try all these different drugs any chance he could, since he was finally fitting in with people. he became that typical rich white guy, which is annoying at first, but i knew luke, so i saw all he actually was and all he had feared before (he probably still is scared). he still hung out with me, god knows why. i didn't mind, i liked luke. he was always different, even as he was trying so hard to fit in with others.

i headed out the door and hopped into my sedan. speeding down the road just a little too fast, i was able to get to work at the right moment. i headed into the small convenience store and started my shift, allowing my coworker to head off, thankful.

-

work felt longer than 6 hours. it was always excruciatingly painful to just get through the shift because i was so anxious to get home and just look at her on my computer. i just loved to go home and be alone with her, like we were actually together.

i drove back to my place, overcrowded with james' friends who were inhabiting the living room, talking loud about something that happened at school. i managed to sneak past them without james calling me out. however i wasn't as lucky with lily. when she saw me, she immediately ran over and yelled about how i had to come help her make a snack since her mother wasn't home yet. so i led the little girl the kitchen, handing her a granola bar and juice box so she'd just leave me alone for a little. but of course she simply followed behind him into his bedroom, right when he was about to get on his laptop.

"lily, can i please just have some time to myself?" he sighed, trying to keep himself from getting too frustrated. he had a habit of getting angry easily and he really did not want to snap at the poor girl.

"but james won't play with me," she pouted, disappointed. i was close to breaking and just spending the night her, but then i remembered my girl and immediately regained myself, "sorry, hon, you'll just have to wait for mom to get home, i've got stuff i need to do."

she rolled her eyes. she had quite the attitude for a six year old, "just like always." she stormed off.

i knew i should've went after her, but i really just couldn't bring myself to do it with my laptop beckoning me in the other room. so i let her stomp off and i disappeared into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. within seconds, my laptop was off my desk and onto my bed, thrown open. i nearly jumped onto my bed and quickly typed in the url for tumblr, desperate to see what videos she had sent me today. it was pretty embarrassing how excited i was to see whatever she sent me. i didn't even care if it wasn't dirty, because sometimes it wasn't. i just wanted to see her. i craved her.

much to my advantage, however, the video was very sexy. i watched as her lower half came into the screen and she slowly undressed for me. it always had such an intense effect on me and it fucking sucked that i would have to masturbate alone in my bed like i had for the past year. i would always close my eyes and imagine her underneath my body, moaning my name, enlarging my shitty ego and self confidence. i always loved it when i imagined her on top of me, riding me. unfortunately, i had craved a more dominant woman. as a very inexperienced guy, i wanted a woman who could take control and show me how to pleasure her and teach me that i was a beautiful person. of course i also loved the thrill of dominating, but it really was something i wasn't experienced at.

so of course i ended up getting myself off quickly on my bed. yeah, it had become embarrassing having to masturbate every time i got a video from her rather than having her right there with me. but she lived on the other side of the country so it made things difficult. i was reduced to sending her messages, confessing my love for her every day. she would always tell me how i was the best thing to happen her and i made her happy every single day.

i knew everything about her. and i was proud of it. we always told each other about one another's days and i loved hearing about hers. i didn't give a shit if it was just her going to her college classes, i loved to hear how she got a good grade on a test or how she hung out with her friends after biology. it allowed me to imagine myself there, it was like i was living life with her and somehow that just made me feel whole inside. it was like i had found something to fill the previous emptiness i had been feeling all throughout junior high and high school. she was somehow perfect for me. she knew everything i wanted, every emotion i felt and she knew how to talk to me. i just felt so happy and i didn't understand how a person on the other side of the country speaking to me through a computer screen was able to create such an overwhelming sense of joy inside of me.

her name was pandora. i thought it was so fitting; i loved her name. some days it would run through my head and i always had the urge to say it out loud and repeat it to myself. it rolled perfectly off my tongue. she was mine and i fucking loved it. our tumblr accounts we had both created about a year ago were dedicated to one another. we would post for each other and it was our own sanctuary to just be with each other where nobody else who knew me could find out about it.

but there was a part of me that was terrified for her to see me. that's why we had never video chatted or anything, i was scared of seeing her and just fucking up on screen. social anxiety had become a big part of my life and it developed all these overwhelming insecurities inside of me. it made it hard for me to even know why pandora even liked me. but then she would remind me that she loved me and my confidence boosted a little and i felt reassured. i felt so lucky, but at the same time i was plagued with this immense distance. she told me she lived in california, but i lived in maine. it was rough for sure, but part of me liked the distance. i enjoyed the fact that i wouldn't have to worry about her seeing me every day. i liked the ability to just think out a response to send to her rather than talk right on the spot. my anxiety had only gotten worse from this, but i liked the easiness of the situation.

i ended up replying to her a few minutes after i watched her video again. i praised her body in the reply, reminding her in a simple way of how much i loved her. i leaned back against my chair and slowly waited for her to read the message. my eyes closed shut for a moment, thinking about her again. i wondered what she was thinking, if she wanted me to talk to her today or if it was just a hassle. i never was one to be very interesting in my own eyes, i was always filled with insecurities, straying me away from anyone i would want to be.

when i opened my eyes i heard someone clear their throat purposefully behind me. immediately, i turned around to see derrick standing in the doorway. not too my surprise, he had dark circles underneath his eyes and a disappointed frown caused his whole face to look down. his hair was a mess, much like mine every day. with slow movements he looked me up and down before finally speaking up, "are you really bothering her again?"

i frowned, even though a sense of doubt began to fill my chest, "yeah, i always do, you know this."

"you're going to annoy her," he informed me, a tone of certainty in his voice as he spoke, "you fucking message her constantly, nobody likes when anyone does that. turn off the damn computer and go to bed or something. leave her alone."

my mouth felt dry as i looked at him stand there. i didn't say anything for what felt like eternity before following his orders without affirmation. she had already opened the message by the time i was closing my laptop but i didn't bother to wait and see what she said. my body felt weighed down by exhaustion as i slipped out of the chair and onto my bed. i curled up underneath the covers, not even bothering to change my clothing. i peered over and saw derrick already exiting the room so i felt fine to sleep soundly.