No Control

I Don't Want To Hurt Him Anymore

I jumped as I heard the door open, a sudden noise through the intimate quietness, and I looked up to see Erik walking in. My heart began to beat incredibly fast in my chest. I didn't know what to say to him, how to act, or what he would do, but I sat there, completely frozen.

He finally turned to me, seeming a bit shocked that I was here this early, but then his features settled into that familiar caring smile. He was unaffected. How was he not mad at me or awkward about this?

"Good morning, Niall. How are you?" He asked as he walked into the room, looking over my mum's chart and records again. I knew he had to monitor how she was doing, and it always made me nervous when he checked for things.

"Um... good, I guess. How, uh, how are you?" I asked, feeling so awkward and out of place. I mean, I kissed him just last night, but he was acting as if nothing happened between us. I knew it probably wasn't a big deal, but I was expecting him to feel at least a bit unsure.

"I'm fine, thanks." He smiled, setting her chart down again. "Your mum seems to be doing fine. After you told me about the hair loss last night, I asked a nurse to provide her a head scarf. She's lost quite a bit of hair, but not much to where the scalp is fully seen yet." He said, and usually his professional talk made me calm, but now it only made me antsy.

"Erik...." I said, but it was so quiet that I could barely hear myself, and he didn't hear me at all as he continued talking about my mum's condition.

"Her vitals seem fine, and even though she may look really ill, she is actually handling all of this quite well actually. The second dose of the chemo should be soon, this weekend at the soonest. You and your dad can come to the hospital, be here for her afterwards." He said, and I just felt like I was going to explode.

"Erik." I repeated, louder this time, and he stopped and looked at me. I squeezed my eyes shut and knew he could sense how frustrated and nervous I was. He could always sense when I was feeling wrong.

"Hey, Niall." He said, walking over and kneeling down in front of me. "It's okay." He said, his voice holding so much care and gentleness. "Your mum is doing fine. Nothing's going to happen to-" I shook my head and cut him off.

"It's not about my mum." I whispered, and he looked confused until I spoke up. "I'm sorry... about last night. I'm sorry for kissing you." I said, feeling so weak and small. I wasn't sure how he would react, but he was his usual calm self, which aggravated me.

"It's okay, Niall. You know, you were frantic and felt panicked and scared. I was there when you were at your weakest point. I understand how emotions work, and I know it was just a mistake-" I sighed loudly, and he furrowed his eyebrows. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Don't do that." I begged. "Don't talk all professional to me about this." I said. It was driving me insane, but I didn't want to yell. I didn't want to wake my mum in the middle of this. "Yes, I was panicked and scared, but that had nothing to do with why I kissed you." I confessed.

"What do you mean?" He asked, and I looked him in the eyes, in awe of them. There were emotions there, just emotions that were so well hidden that I had no clue what they were. I did notice one thing though- the fear. And I knew. I knew what I was feeling.

"I like you, Erik." I blurted out, immediately feeling so insecure and stupid for saying it aloud. He probably saw me as a kid that was terrified of everything, even if I was only a couple years younger than he was. He was so professional and built up, and I was just a confused and scared boy.

"Wha- Niall, you have a boyfriend?" He said as a question, clearly still confused. "You mean... as a friend, right?" He asked, making me gulp as I shook my head again.