Start Again

Chapter One

Audrey

It was like one of those scenes you see in a movie. Time slows down, and no matter how loud the music is, the sound becomes an all-but-audible thud in the background as you see her eyes show her heart breaking. That was my life right now. The camera would zoom up on my face then flash at the scene causing me so much pain. But, even in the movies, you never know how it feels until it happens to you. You empathise, you know it sucks, but you don't feel the numbness. Here I was, in the middle of a party. People were drunk, dancing, and laughing. But there I stood in the doorway, a full cup of beer in my hand, with my eyes locked on him. The music drained. If I could hear anything, it was how loud my heart was pounding right now. With every thud, it felt like my heart tore slightly and the blood was gushing out. I felt that the longer I stared, the more blood I would lose.

   He was standing at the far end of the living room. His hand was snaked around her waist as he leaned in, whispering in her ear. She held a hand to her mouth and giggled. He smiled and pulled back, looking at her tenderly. That look was all too familiar. He used to look at me with that same gaze. Three weeks had passed yet he was already in love with another girl. Had I missed something? How could his heart open so quickly? How had he moved on from a three-year relationship this fast whilst I still cried myself to sleep every night, telling myself to delete his number?

   I tore my eyes away from the scene. I had to get out of here. I sat my cup down on the hallway table and searched for Jessica.

   "I have to go," I told her.

   "What?" she said drunkenly.

   "I have to go. I have to get out of here."

   "So soon?"

   I nodded and looked down.

   She gazed over my shoulder. "Oh shit. I'm so sorry. I didn't think he'd bring her."

   My eyes snapped up. "You knew?"

   An apologetic smile spread across her face. "I didn't want to hurt you."

   "How could you know and not tell me? How could you not be mad at him?"

   "You know I've known you longer and you mean so much to me. But he's my friend too. And what makes the both of you happy I will cheer for. I didn't want you upset and I didn't want him being put down."

   I wanted to yell at her for being a horrible friend. I wanted to get mad at her for not putting me first. We were supposed to be best friends. They wouldn't even know each other if he and I hadn't dated. But I sucked it in and held my mouth. The last thing I needed was to end on a bad note. Her reaction only encouraged me with my decision to leave. I couldn't stand around and take this anymore. I had to get away from everything familiar. "You be good, okay, Jess? And have a good birthday party."

   "I'm sorry, Audrey."

   "It's fine. What Adam does is up to him. We broke up so who am I to care about what he does? And who am I to say who you can and cannot invite to your own birthday party? It's fine." I knew what I was saying was what I wanted to feel. I wanted to be okay with it. But with every word I felt like I was lying to her and myself. "You just have fun and stay well, okay?"

   "Do you want me to see you off tomorrow?"

   I shook my head. "I think it's best we say goodbye like this." I didn't want to tell Jessica that she hurt me so much with her words. I knew she had every right to her feelings. And who was I to get possessive of her now? At the end of the day, Adam will be the friend she hangs out with, not me anymore. I was going. "See you when I see you."