Please... (Mavi/PTX)

25

Without a jacket or any shoes covering my feet I stumbled out of Scott's house, the letter clutched to my chest as I left the garden and proceeded to run through the falling snow. My eyes were barely opened, tears clouded my sight and if that was not enough the snow decided to create a sea of white and cold waves in front of me. My feet began to burn, the flesh reddened and soon became blue. Like a pair of heavy bricks at the end of my legs they made it harder for me to escape. My chest ached, my breathing became heavier causing my head to hurt at the lack of oxygen. The park was not far from where I was located and I took the last ounce of strength inside of me to drag myself towards a tree under which I collapsed and closed my tired eyes.

This was not what I wanted. Never had I thought of running away from my friends or to abandon Avi once again but it all became to much for me to bear. The thoughts of guilt and sorrow, the hurt eating me alive, the fear of making it worse. They weren't in my  imagination. My miserable life consisted of nothing but my nightmares.

You are weak. Trying to help someone while you can't even help yourself.

The old voice came back. The one who followed me in my early days in elementary school, spitting in front of my feet, telling me to vanish from earth. For a brief second I had thought about it but when Scott came into the picture the consideration disappeared. Now my best friend was nowhere to be seen, I was alone with my thoughts..

My body felt as if I never had living cells coursing through my veins. Cold, paralyzed. Was this what people seeked when they went out to die? The peaceful kind of death? The one who embraced you in your last seconds in which you would take your last breath? Like a blanket of coziness, a hug coming from a caring mother, the carefree laughter of a child, the kiss of a loved one. Was this what people wanted to be the last image in their minds before closing their eyes to embrace the darkness and their grave?

A cold breeze swept over me. I held up my fingers and saw how they turned purple, the lack of warmth radiating from them. I was freezing and only minutes mattered and I would be another person, found in the park by a passing person. The newspaper would talk about my death, the death of a good student who did everything to safe others and turn their lives upside down and to the better. The news would talk about me but only because I came from the higher class. If I was poor, homeless or anything near those terms they wouldn't even blink in my direction. They would leave my lifeless body in the snow until it was covered in white and my flesh would vanish. The bones would become part of the earth. Life takes its toll. Our dreams and wishes won't always come true and sometimes.. they guide us to a destination far away from what we've expected. 

Death would be mine.

I trade my life for Avi's.

He should live for me.

The letter on my chest burned a whole right there where my heart was. Words of hope, happiness and faith weren't those we've written down. Whoever would find me in the morning would think the letter contained suicide notes because that's what it was. Avi had told me about his past from the day he was born and confessed to me that either one of us had to die. In his eyes he saw himself as already gone. Nothing held him back, no one loved him, he had nobody and while he wrote down those sentences I realized that he didn't love me back. He saw me as a stranger, a guy who had failed to save him. 

I took the letter and read the first lines, my hands trembling with every sentence I finished. When have I decided to die for him? Was it the second I saw him? The first time our eyes met? When I saw him walking down the streets? When he was beaten to death? What made me want to leave this planet for good?

The love I would never receive. The fact that he would not even want to be my friend. That was enough for me.

Did I want to die like this? With the thoughts of not being near him clouding my mind? 

No.

I began to read the letter over and over again. Tears forming in my eyes, some of them escaping, whenever I ended it. His last words marking it.

And one of us has to die...

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#Yanie