Warning:SPG
I didn't know there will still be something more heartbeaking for me to see and to realize. All my life, I've been cast away from my very own family. That family whom I thought mine.
And now, I am like repeating history. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa dinarami-rami, sa akin pa nangyayari ang lahat ng ito. Radicus and Carmela.
I didn't bother wiping off my tears while staring at Troy. Dama ko ang awa nito base na rin sa pagtingin nito sa akin. Heck! Nakakaawa nga ako. Of all people, bakit ganito? Piece by piece, everything links together and viola, the naked truth is now infront of me. The way Radicus holds Carmela's hand, it's not a simple hold, it's a touch of someone who's longing. Longing for what?
At the end of this day, alam kong magiging sarado ang pag-iisip ko. Alam kong babalik na naman ako sa umpisa. Questioning his love. Doubting him.
"Maya, ihahatid na kita." Troy say. Napaatras ako at umiling. I didn't blink because I want the feeling of my tears gushing through my face. It feels terribly soothing. Whenever I'm lonely, my tears are the only ones caressing my face. That way, I don't feel cold. I feel warmth. It's weird. But it's the way I'm feeling it.
"Kaya ko ng umuwi T-troy." I said. Pinilit kong patatagin ang boses ko. I was never a coward. Never a weak one. They say the strenth of a person depends on how an individual accepts living. I accept living. I accept pain but this time..I feel like this is too much.
"I insist--"
"Na-nakapunta ako dito ng mag-isa. Aalis ako ng mag-isa." I answered. It was like I'm saying that I was able to live alone and I can still do it. But deep inside, alam kong may kung ano sa loob ko ang nasira. Love? Trust? Forgiveness? I don't know.
Hindi ko na siya hinintay na magsalita. I turned my back and walk. Tuluy-tuloy lang ang pagluha. May iilang napapatingin sa akin but I tried walking straight, but no matter how I do it, my knees are still trembling. Napakapit ako sa pader and stop. I covered my face and started sobbing.
I remember, when dad taught me a piano piece. That River Flows In You piece, I was 4 then. As early as that age, sobrang taas ng pagtingin ko kay dad. He was my idol. He was my first love. He was my everything. But then things changed as I grew up.
Mom and him started arguing, every night. I entered piano school every summer to please dad para umuwi siya sa bahay although I know he's been busy working abroad or so I thought. He didnt go to my recital but I saw him in a parking basement with this kid. Carmela. I knew it was her. That girl, who has the same piece as mine during the piano recital. I thought it was just a coincident na pareho kami ng tinugtog, but little do I know, she was my dad's first daughter, my dad's first piano student, the first one to play River Flows In You. The first on everything..and me I was the second option.
"Maya!" I heard Troy's voice. I stop walking. I sat on a bench outside the hospital and stared at the sky. Umupo sa tabi ko si Troy.
"I'm sorry.." Troy said. Hindi ko alam kung para saan ang paghingi niya ng tawad.
"Maybe Brittany is right, maybe you are all right, na mang-aagaw ako."
"Maya, about what I said, I didn't mean that. It just so happen na..na hindi mo alam."
I shook my head and my tears strolled down my face again.
"I'm sorry Troy, hindi ko..hindi ko alam..hindi ko sinasadya, ku-kung alam ko lang sana..sana ako ang umiwas. I'm sorry because I just love him so much at hin-hindi ko alam kung paano o ano ang gagawin ko.."I sobbed.
"You know the right thing to do Maya. I have known you since we were young. I know you'll do what is the right thing to do."
"Hindi ba pwedeng ako naman Troy?" I sobbed. Nahihirapan na akong huminga but I also want to make a point. Na nasasaktan din ako!
