It's been three days since Rad told us about Mela. That night, Rad stayed the whole night with me. It was just complete silence. I was just hugging him, trying to comfort him. Hindi rin ako nakatulog ng maayos that night. I have been thinking a lot. Iniisip ko ang mga huling sandali ni Mela. I am deeply sadden as well, I just lost a sister. But on top of everything I've been feeling and thinking that night...is the guilt. For some reason, i felt so guilty.
Then came this day..
"Maya, aren't you going to school today?" Mom knocked at my door. Hindi ko pa gaanong napansin na may katagalan na pala itong kumakatok. I was preoccupied staring at my phone.
I sighed. Two days, no sign from Rad. I keep texting him, tried calling him. I got no response. I am worried. Yeah...who wouldn't? After that night, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang nasa isip niya. I mean, he heasn't tried opening up that night. Gustung-gusto ko siyang pilitin na magsalita. I wanted to hear his thoughts but all I got was silence.
I have decided to respect whatever it is that he's been thinking or whatever it is that he's not ready to open up. Pero the fact that he's been ghosting me for 2 days already, I don't think I could just sit here and wait.
"Maya?" I heard mom knocked again, sounds like she's worried already. I sniffed a little and wiped my tears. I didn't realize that overthinking made me cry. I really have a heavy heart this whole week after hearing Mela's death and now feeling that I might lost Rad too. Wait, why am I thinking that way?
"Hi" I open my door and greeted mom trying to fake a smile. She looked really worried. "Papasok ako mom, I have to." I said. She nodded.
"Breakfast is ready." she said and left. Napapikit na lang ako, my head aches so bad, gawa na rin siguro ng hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos. Pag pasok ko sa room para mag-ayos ay napatingin ako sa phone ko, I rushed to it thinking that Rad might be the one who texted but to my dismay, it was just dad. Then I remember, dad must be feeling terrible these days, hindi ko man lang ito nagawang makausap. I dialled his number. Kinabahan ako ng agad itong sumagot but somehow bigla akong nakaramdam ng awa, he must have been waiting for me to call, kaya ganito nalang kabilis ang pagsagot niya.
"Dad..." I said. napahinto ako dahil sa nadinig ko ang bigat sa paghinga nito na parang kagagaling lamang sa pag-iyak. Pakiramdam ko ay lalong bumigat ang nararamdaman ko. I know him, kahit di ko siya nakakasama talaga ay alam kong hindi siya naging ganito kahina. I have never seen him this...vulnerable.
"Maya, anak, kamusta?" he managed to ask. He still calls me 'anak' despite what I did him. Napasandal ako nang madinig ang boses nito. I really don't know what to say.
"I--I'm sorry dad, about...Mela" I finally said. I heard him sob. Ilang beses akong napalunok. I really can't talk to him like this.
"I..I know how difficult this is for you and tita Olivia, I..I'm sorry" I said. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagsosorry, but it's probably because of the guilt I've been feeling.
"You don't really have to apologize Maya, this isn't any of your fault, remember that. I'm just glad that you're still there, I'm glad you called. Alam kong madami akong naging pagkukulang sayo, this is probably just karma hitting me straight. " He said
"Don't think of it that way dad, everything happens for a reason..." I said, but deep down I know how hard it is to swallow and just accept these words.
Dad and I had some few words. I promised him to visit Mela's wake one of these days. Kahit pa alam kong hindi iyon magiging magandang idea dahil kay Tita Olivia. After having breakfast ay pumasok na rin ako ng school. I haven't seen Prim, she's probably busy on her internship requirements, which reminds me, kailangan ko na din asikasuhin iyon.
