I woke up the next morning wrapped in his arms. Lindsey and I had always fit together so perfectly, I thought sleepily.
Suddenly my eyes darted open. Shit. I slept with him. I had every intention to stay strong. This is going nowhere and I refuse to be a booty call. If he thinks he can just get away with this he's wrong- dead wrong. I gave myself a pep talk talk that would have motivated Gloria Steinem. I don't need him. It was nothing.
My thoughts then drifted back to the night prior, the perfect chemistry of our bodies and the raw love we had shared for so many years resurfacing. It wasn't just a quick lay, it was every feeling I'd ever had for him at once.
I felt him move slightly in the sheets, repositioning his body ever so slightly and planting a gentle kiss onto my shoulder blade. I looked over at him, he was all curls and stubble this time of the day and I couldn't help myself. Fuck it, I told myself. It wasn't nothing. And I want more. I love the man with every fiber of my being. I decided that even if it was fleeting, I wanted our last few hours together to be nothing short of blissful.
Last night was- well, I'll say it, it was rather domestic. But maybe that was on some level what I'd always wanted. I traced circles onto his chest, as he fluttered awake, immediately pulling me on top of him, wrapping his arms around me and falling back to sleep. I'm not sure how long I lay there, resting my head on his shoulder and letting myself be happy and content. Eventually he woke and I greeted him with a tender kiss. I wasn't surprised, or disappointed, when that lead to more.
He was so tender and so purposeful. He genuinely made love to me, and that act always seemed to heal us. Right or wrong, it was always an emotional purge, saying volumes more than any words either of us had ever spoken.
Laying in the pile of bedding, strewn wildly about on my mattress I closed my eyes. He would always have a piece of my soul. I took a deep breath, remembering exactly how I felt at that moment and rolled to face him.
"Lindsey?"
"Mmm?"
"When are you due back in the studio?"
The question clearly caught him off guard as I'm sure he wasn't anticipating my sudden change in demeanor.
"Umm, well technically tomorrow but I'll just call the guys and reschedule..." He had closed his eyes again and placed his arm around me, clearly fine with dozing back off after our morning together.
"No, Linds. I think you need to be there. You can't cancel."
He opened his eyes and say up on his elbows, unsure of exactly what I was saying. "So you'll come back with me," he asked.
"What?!" I shouldn't have yelled. It came off stronger than I intended. "What are you talking about," I rephrased.
"Stevie," he looked at me sternly, "it's time for you to come home."
"It's time for me to come home?" I repeated, disdain dripping off of my tongue. "Lindsey, I am home. Is that why you came all the way out here? To tell me I needed to move back to LA? You have NO RIGHT to have ANY say in what happens in my life."
He went into defensive mode immediately. "I'm not telling you what to do, Stevie, don't overreact, but I mean come on, you don't have to run from me anymore. You don't have to hide anymore."
"Run from you? RUN FROM YOU?" I stood up, taking the top sheet with me and clutching it to my chest as my anger boiled over. "You flatter yourself, Lindsey Buckingham. You do not control me in such a way that I have been hiding from you for two years. I'm happy here, I've created a life that I love and how dare you imply that I need to be saved from it- as if I have been waiting for you to wisk me away. I knew it was s mistake to let you in that door," I screamed, trailing into the bathroom to get away from him as he scrambled to pull on a pair of shorts.
"Baby wait," he begged, "that's not at all what I meant."
"Don't call me baby," I spat, slamming the door in his face and locking it from the inside.
I sat down on the cold tile floor, leaning against the sink as he continued to speak to me. I was listening intently though I would never acknowledge him.
"Open up, let me explain." He banged on the door and I could quickly tell that he had slumped down beside it, and confined to speak to me in a soft tone.
"I didn't come to retrieve you, Stephanie, I can to show you how much I love you. How I've never gotten over you. I came to prove to you that I'm willing to do anything to make this work and to show you that I want to be with you every single day of my life. I'm not scolding you for gods sake, I'm telling you I don't want to leave without you by my side."
He continued for I don't know how long and I sat silently as tears streamed down my face, never making a peep on my side of the door to indicate the raw emotions coursing through my veins.
Why did it have to be so damn hard for us? I simultaneously wanted to throw the door open and let him wrap me in his arms and live happy ever after and to never see him again.
He said silently for a few moments before I heard a weakened version of his voice drift through the door. "Okay. You want me to leave? Ok, you win. I'll book a flight back to LA."
I heard his footsteps trail away from the door and I stood and dressed. This is what I wanted, wasn't it? I was going to tell him to leave. And I wasn't going to change my lifestyle. Wasn't that the whole point? Is this what closure feels like? And if it is, it's way overrated.
I could hear his muffled phone conversation in the other room and I assumed he was booking a flight. I eventually emerged from my room, only to see a cab pulling up.
"Lindsey, listen..." I began. "This isn't how I wanted things to go."
He merely looked at me.
"I just realize that we can never be- whatever we were yesterday. Fate is a funny thing," I muttered.
"Look at me," he touched my chin. "If you want it to work, I'll make it work. Not saying we don't have plenty of issues to work through but I know we can make it this time. I desperately want you to come back to California but I see that isn't an option, and I don't know what else to say. I can't exactly move in here right now."
"We can be friends, right?" I asked tentatively. "I can't do any more than that, Linds. I just can't."
The cab honked it's warning and he pulled me into a deep hug. "You are my soulmate. Friends will never be enough for me, Angel. I'm trying to show you that I'll do anything to make this work. I'm trying to show you that you're all I want in the universe and I'm trying to show you that I've changed. I can't stand the thought of my life without you in it, but if you don't have any interest in that I can't change your mind for you. I love you, Steph. I always have and I certainly always will." His voice broke slightly. "I'm going to go for now, I know you need your space and I did show up unannounced. I will never give up on us, but if you can't let yourself love me then I will let you go. I want you to be happy. I know you're safe here, and that's going to have to be enough for me right now, I suppose."
He kissed me gently. "You know where to find me, Stevie. And I desperately hope you'll change your mind about us."
I never even said a word as he walked out of the door, disappearing as quickly as he came. I am fairly certain I heard the door to the cab close and the car drove way down the cobblestone road as I collapsed into sobs on my living room floor.
He's the love of my life and I just let him walk away.
