2 Years Later
The rain was coming down in buckets as I exited the freeway to head to my house in Malibu. We had just landed in LA for an extended stay.
The last two years had proven to be challenging but Lindsey and I made it work. Once the boys turned 2 we became more flexible with our traveling and I brought the boys to LA to see Lindsey as much as he came to Italy.
I had started writing new music for a potential solo album and my trips to California had become more frequent and longer in duration, allowing the boys to be more familiar with their surroundings here. It also allowed some space between Lindsey and I, who were no longer sharing a home half of the time. I had become even more independent, if that was possible, getting my drivers license when it became too much of a hassle to call a car every time I needed to tote the boys around. I had even begun to see someone. It was casual and I didn't expect it to result in anything long term, but it was nice to have someone.
"Mama, why does it lightening?" A little voice from the backseat briefly pulled me from my thoughts. I explained thunder and lightening the best I could in 3 year old lingo, knowing that there would likely be questions to follow, if not about storms about something else.
"Oh, ok. It's so loud here. It's not that loud at our other house in Italy. Does my daddy know we're here yet? Is he going to be there when we get to your house Mama? I want to show him how I can jump into the pool and I don't even have to hold my nose. Luca has to hold his nose still."
"I do not! Mama!"
"Yes you do!"
"Boys! Hush for just a moment, it's hard for Mama to see, okay? And no, we aren't seeing Daddy tonight."
I heard Matteo begin to protest and I glanced into my rear view mirror, giving him a warning. Matty had become a small version of me, talkative and outgoing, wearing his emotions and carefree spirit on his sleeve, while Luca was more thoughtful and pensive, somewhat reminiscent of Lindsey, tiny little temper and all.
I pulled into the driveway of my house in LA, already dropping Karen off at a friend's apartment for the evening. Most of the lights on the block were off and my house was enveloped in total darkness. The power was out and I wasn't about to spend a cold, winter night alone with no lights. I pulled out of the driveway, and drove to my condo, hoping the building generator was functioning enough to supply us with power. After the 10 minute drive turned into 40 minutes with traffic on the freeway, Matty telling me in no uncertain terms that he had to go to the bathroom and Luca sleeping soundly, I made an executive decision and turned into a surface street, admitting defeat and driving to the house Lindsey had purchased for us while I was pregnant, thankful that I had a key.
I knew he was planning to meet us here in the morning to spend his time with the boys, but I was shocked when I saw his car in the driveway. He lived elsewhere full time, our family home being reserved for his time with Luca and Matteo.
I pulled as close to the front door as possible, thankful the boys were in their little raincoats already, and gathered my things, wishing to make as few trips back and forth as possible. I reached into the backseat to unbuckle my little men from their carseats, Matty immediately jumping up and Luca still sleeping. As soon as I stepped out of my vehicle I was soaked. I let Matty run to the front door and stand under the entry roof while I jogged up behind him, holding a sleeping Luca with a raincoat protecting him from the elements.
I knocked once on the front door and began to fumble through my keys with one hand when a disheveled Lindsey answerd the door, hair a mess and wearing only pajama pants.
"Steph," he questioned, obviously still half asleep.
"Daddy!" Matty yelled jumping up and down a bit where he stood next to me.
"Hey buddy!" Lindsey's demeanor changed to a lighthearted welcome as he held the door open for us, wrapping Matty into a bear hug and attempting in vain to quiet him so he wouldn't wake Luca.
Placing him down, Matty scurried off, making himself at home.
"Hey there little buddy," Lindsey whispered to Luca, gently combing his hair back with his fingers as he drifted in and out of sleep in my arms. "I missed you," he kissed him lightly on the forehead.
"I didn't think you guys would be here until tomorrow," he questioned me, taking Luca from my arms and planting an unexpected kiss hello on in my hair as he greeted me with a hug.
"I know, I'm sorry," I began, trying to mask my confusion over his welcome. "We got in late and I went to my house and the power was out and then we were stuck in traffic and," I cut myself off, knowing I was rambling. "I hope it's okay that we're here."
"Of course it is," he seemed to recoil a bit. "I wish you would have come straight over, I hate that you were our driving around in this weather."
He walked over to the couch, laying Luca down. "Let me grab a jacket and some shoes and I'll get your car unloaded," he offered.
"It's pouring, Linds, it can wait for tomorrow," I told him. "Everything we need tonight is in this backpack."
"I'm back to 'Linds,' huh?" He joked.
I smiled at him nervously, though I was grateful for the light atmosphere. "Well it sounds to me," I teased him, "like I'm back to 'Steph.'"
He showed me in, laying Luca on the couch and listening to an excited Matty chatter away. It was freezing in LA that night but Lindsey had the fireplace in the living room running in no time, gathering pillows and blankets from around the house with a flashlight and making the boys a bed on the floor. They fell asleep almost immediately, exhausted from our flight. He reunited with another couple blankets, pillows and a comforter, laying out another pallet on the floor, presumably for me.
"I assume you're not tired," he whispered to me, knowing me all to well.
I shrugged my shoulders as he walked towards the kitchen, returning with a bottle of wine and two glasses.
"Come on," he whispered, heading upstairs and out to the large terrace in the master bedroom. Even though it was still pouring, we opened the doors, sitting just inside and watching the rain come down over the city. He lit a few candles, which illuminated the room perfectly when combined with the lightening, and offered me a glass.
"Cheers," he told me, "to two amazing little boys."
The conversation flowed more naturally than it had in years that night, and I let down some of the barriers I had been keeping up with Lindsey. I found myself laughing and speaking openly with him, telling stories new and old, about days on the road and the hilarious things our 3 year olds have said to me. Despite all of our anger and frustration he remained to be the person that knew me best in this world.
I felt something that night, like we had a fighting chance again. I told myself I was crazy, that it was the wine talking, and not throw my entire world up in the air for some misguided feelings after a bottle of merlot. He had made his way over to me while I was lost in my own thoughts, sitting his glass down and extending his hand to me. "Let's get some rest," he told me, blowing out the candles. "I don't want the boys to be scared of the thunder wakes them and we aren't there."
He was right, and that statement alone, his ability to be such a caring father to our children, made me 10,000 times more attracted to him than before. I changed into pajamas and slipped into the blankets he had laid out for me by the boys I front of the fire. Before I knew it he was climbing into bed behind me.
"What are you doing," I asked as his arms wrapped around me, pulling my body closed.
"What I should have done that night on the beach three years ago," he told me, kissing me deeply.
And even after all of this time, all of this resentment, my body was so naturally drawn into his as I folded myself into him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him back. What this all means, I'm not sure, if it even means anything given our history and relationships independent of one another, but when I stirred in the night, Lindsey sleeping soundly with his arms around me, Luca and Matty snuggled in close, I decided to not over think it until morning, and fell asleep happy.
