I sat my bag down on the entry table as soon as we arrived home, eager to take my shoes off and change into something more comfortable after a long day. After scheduling my next ultrasound for a day that worked with Lindsey's schedule, he had taken me out for dinner, where we had ended up sitting for a few hours listening to a local musician. The air was the perfect temperature, the breeze coming off of the sea, and the stars shining brightly. We rode home with the top down on the car, both completely at peace with the world for the moment.
He was leaving in the morning. Leaving to return to his reality, thousands of miles away from the fairy tale land in which I was currently residing. He had offered to stay, but I told him to go- he needed to take care of his album. His career has always been so important to him and depriving him of success in that area would do nothing but hurt us in the long run. We loved each other dearly, but that love was met with an equal drive for validation as musicians. He had to be happy with himself, and in that satisfied with his career, before he could truly be happy with me- rather, with us. He had asked me to come with him, but I declined. He needed some space, even if he didn't think that he did, to really think about what had occurred over the last week. He was still processing my pregnancy, and likely my general reemergence in his life, and the realty of the situation, and the choices that were going to need to be made, was something that I couldn't work through for him.
And truthfully, I needed some time alone. It was only a few days, really, that he would be gone. I had grown quite accustomed to my somewhat solitary lifestyle in Italy, and some room to breathe probably wouldn't be a bad thing. We hadn't actually worked through any of our issues, but rather just swept them under the proverbial rug for what I thought would simply be a long weekend. And now? Well I suppose we had bigger issues to address, but still- nothing had been resolved. And like it or not I probably needed to think about that.
I wandered into my closet, changing into a cream colored nightgown and washing my face. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, wondering if he still found me to be attractive like this. I thought he was probably just kidding when he was flirting with me at the doctors office, but I really hoped that he wasn't. We had always had such an intense physical relationship, for the good or the bad, and like it or not it was a large part of how we communicated with each other.
I crawled into bed next to him, and though I was usually up late I knew he would be leaving in the morning and I wanted to spend as much time near him as possible.
I ran my fingers across his bare chest- he had always been in excellent shape, and I could never think of a time which I wasn't attracted to him. I could however, think of many occasions in which we found ourselves playing happily ever after on the road, only for him to causally return to another woman,
He moved towards me, kissing me passionately and hesitating for a moment, making sure he was receiving my signal to continue. He was careful and moved methodically, making me feel beautiful and loved. My senses were heightened and even though I had been self conscious about my changing appearance, our chemistry was as electric as it had always been. It spoke volumes to me- somehow showing that maybe we could still make it as a couple. That this wouldn't be out of the convenience of raising children together or because it was safe. But because we both wanted it and we'd both fight for it, knowing it would be anything but easy.
I may have been marking my territory somewhat, I admit. But he was leaving for LA and with that came a lot of temptation and a lot of paranoia on my end- justified or not. He was mine and I wanted him to remember that.
I think I stirred slightly when he got out of bed the next morning, but I didn't fully wake until I heard the shower running in the bathroom. I glanced at the clock on my bedside, realizing that he had likely lay with me as long as he possibly could before rising to get ready to leave. I ran my fingers through my hair, tidying my appearance somewhat in the mirror. I wandered into the kitchen and made a quick cup of coffee before returning waiting for him emerge.
He stood in the on the other side of the room when I glanced up from writing in my journal, I could feel him watching me. He leaned causally in the door frame, still glistening with water from his shower with his towel wrapped around his waist.
"This is how I always think of you, you know," he offered. "Just you- no make up, no costumes, content in your own little world, and absolutely gorgeous." I blushed as he walked over and wrapped his arms around me from behind. "I'm going to miss you, you know?"
"And I'm going to miss you too. You'll be back before we know it though," I stated aloud, unsure of who I was even trying to convince.
"I'm running late," he told me, though not rushing to leave.
He dressed and packed a smaller bag than he came with, leaving the bulk of his stuff with me for his return. He kissed me goodbye, assuring me he'd be back in a blink of an eye, promising to call when he landed, and dropped to his knees, kissing my stomach twice, and telling our tiny miracles he would be back. And I knew that he would be.
