I'm not sure when I knew deep down it had all fallen apart. Sometime in the late night when he rolled away from me in his sleep and I could feel it in my core that I had truly broken him this time.
The morning was a blur. We went through our normal routine of feeding and changing, each of us attempting to get dressed ourselves while Karen assisted me in tidying up the house and changing the guest bedroom sheets before the arrival of my family. Lindsey remained mostly silent, laying on our bed with his sons, speaking softly to them and studying their tiny features. I watched their interactions from afar and I knew that he would always be a wonderful father to them, and the fact that he was leaving at all spoke volumes about how much pain I had unintentionally inflicted upon him.
I heard car doors closing in my front drive and whipped around to see my family piling out of two vehicles and heading towards the door. Lindsey looked up at me, moving to pick up Matteo as I scooped Luca into my arms to meet those that I love so dearly for the first time.
"Lindsey," I told him, looking into the pair of steely blue eyes that first stole my heart, "please don't leave before we talk," I almost begged. "Please."
He nodded his agreement, gesturing to the front door. "Don't worry about that right now, go show off your children," he smiled.
And I did. My family, most especially my mother, were as in awe of my tiny sons as I was. They were both in happy little moods, alternating between sleeping and looking around contently in their tiny matching outfits.
"They really are identical," my brother remarked. "For the life of me, I'm not sure how you tell them apart."
"Really?" Questioned Lindsey, who hadn't said much at all. "That's Luca, that you're holding. His face shape is a little more like Steph's and his eyes are bigger. See, he's got a tiny little nose, and Matteo looks more, well, more like me he laughed. Matty is also a lot more alert, grabbing at things and probably wishing he could already walk and talk while Luca is content with some milk and a nap."
I think it was more of an answer than my brother was looking for but it warmed my heart to hear Lindsey gush about his boys like that.
Being a parent had come so naturally to him. I watched him continue with the small talk between my brother and father while they finished sandwiches along with a few beers for a late lunch while I helped my mom and sister in law in the kitchen.
Matty began to fuss and Lindsey immediately stood, popping a last bite of roast beef on ciabatta into his mouth, and calling a "I've got him," over to me as he scooped up the baby and walked into the nursery.
"You two seem to be a great team," my mother whispered over my shoulder, unaware of the issues coming to light and my rejection of his offer a few months ago.
I shrugged. "He's a great dad."
Lindsey took his time changing Matty and when he returned we almost immediately heard the honking of his waiting car outside. The house was a frenzy, taking his stuff outside, saying our goodbyes, and juggling infants. He held Luca, giving him a kiss goodbye and handing him over to me with a soft "time to go to Mama." Before I knew it he was standing at the door, looking at me, and leaving.
"Lindsey!" I shouted almost desperately, handing Luca to my mother, "Wait!" I closed the front door behind me for some privacy as he loaded a suitcase into the back of a waiting cab.
"Lindsey I'm sorry," the words came tumbling out of me, but he talked my speech.
"You have nothing to be sorry about. We've always been a lot of things to each other, and honesty is one of our relationship's best qualities."
"Lindsey, I love you," the tears welled in my eyes. I wasn't sure that statement was enough to even scratch the surface of my feelings for him.
He smiled at me, but it seemed defeated. A half smile, when you want something to be true but your soul remains guarded. "I love you too, Stevie. You know that, right?"
I nodded that I did and he pulled me close.
"I'll always love you," he wrapped both arms around me and kissed the top of my head. I looked up at him, silently praying that this wasn't the beginning of our end and he kissed me deeply.
"Take care of yourself, ok? And don't let those little princes grow up too much without me," he smiled. "I'll call you, okay?"
I nodded, not wanting to let go of him.
He pushed a stray curl our of my face and kissed the tip of my nose. "Gotta go, I'm going to miss my flight."
And with that, his car bounced down the driveway, and I stood, arms wrapped around myself, surrounded by family but so alone, and completely unsure of what was to come.
