6 months later
Christine McVie is a saint. An absolute saint. She stayed with us that night, after a long evening of me pleading with her not to leave, and broke some of the tension between Lindsey and I. He remained at my house for another two weeks, and our anger dissipated somewhat during that timeframe, though my pain never went away. It was easy to see the love between my boys and Lindsey, and I knew that I could get through any awkward situation between the two of us for those little smiles.
We were able to sit down for a few moments and come up with an amicable agreement on how we would proceed with the boys, followed immediately by me locking myself into my bathroom and sobbing as I threw up my breakfast at the realization that Lindsey and I had come up with a custody agreement for our infants.
Lindsey eventually left again, returning in just under a month for another 2 weeks. That was us now, the 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off parents. He slept in the guest room and I kept my distance. He and I had never been like this before, able to separate our physical relationship from our feelings but we both knew it was what had to be done in order to not make this situation any worse.
Eventually he was held up in California again, away for a total of 5 weeks. I knew he was still seeing Liz, and after our last fight, our final breakup, I didn't have any room to tell him to do otherwise. We left any and all discussions of her at the door, and the one time her name was brought up it left an awkward feeling in the air and neither of us ever mentioned it again.
I wasn't sure how serious they were, not that it mattered, or what exactly she thought about all of the time he spent here. And when it boiled down to it I didn't care what she thought. Luca and Matty were the priority, and she didn't want to see the Mama Bear in me come out, I guarantee it.
Lindsey had been back for 3 days and was fast asleep in his room as I consoled a cranky Luca. Rarely did Luca make a peep, Matty really having the set of lungs between the two of them. I knew he wasn't feeling well but at 2am I was hoping and praying that a little love and some breastmilk would hold him over until the pediatrician's office opened.
The crying continued, his fever growing, but nowhere near the levels that any of the books told me that I 'should be' concerned. I rocked him and rocked him, Matty sleeping soundly in the bassinet in my room and never waking. Eventually Lindsey woke, knocking softly on the open door as he leaned casually in the frame.
"Can I come in?"
I glanced up at him, moving to cover myself a bit more while I nursed Luca. "Sure."
"Don't cover yourself, it's just me. Let him eat."
I kept staring at Luca.
"How long have you guys been up," he asked me, bending down to stroke Luca's head lightly and get a good look at him.
"I don't know," I choked out between the tears of stress and exhaustion that were beginning to flow, "a few hours."
"You should have woken me," he spoke softly, placing a comforting hand on my back, causing me to look up and him, having our first direct conversation in weeks.
He always looked at me with such adoration- and still did. So much, in fact, that my heart is close to shattering every time we lock eyes, so I avoid it as much as possible, and both of us notice it.
"Lindsey I don't know what's wrong with him. He has a fever and he won't settle down and he's never like this, you know that."
Luca finished eating and Lindsey took him from my arms, slowly pacing the room and trying to console him. "Where's Matty," he asked.
I closed my robe and pulled my legs in close on the glider, curling myself into an exhausted ball. "He's sleeping soundly in my room. He doesn't have this fever."
"Why don't you go get some rest and let me stay up with out little guy," he offered. "You're exhausted."
I shook my head as to say no, adding that I was too worried to sleep and wanted to watch his growing fever.
Lindsey stood for a moment, swaying under the breeze of our ceiling fan. "Did you give him a cool bath?"
I told him that I had, about 45 minutes prior, with no improvement.
Lindsey looked over at me. "Go get dressed, if it'll make you feel better were taking him to the Emergency Room. You won't get any sleep until we go."
He was right and I knew it. I nodded, tears still flowing and hurried off to throw on leggings and a top.
"I'll call Karen to come and stays with Matty," he called after me, peeking out of the door.
Lindsey drove us to the hospital, Luca still simpering, and sat with me filling out intake paperwork as I cradled my sweet baby in my arms. He held the door for me as we were called back and put his arm around me as my child was examined by a physician. He didn't even make one snide remark when I was told that I had completely over reacted about a little fever.
It was almost 5 am when we got back to the house and I was dragging. "Bassinets are still by your bed," he asked, carrying in a now sleeping Luca.
I nodded.
"Listen, why don't you sleep in my room and I'll stay with the boys so you can get some rest," he offered.
I was so tired but I told him that I knew I wouldn't sleep a wink if I was away from the boys.
"Hear me out on this," he shifted awkwardly. "Can I sleep with you? Just for tonight?"
I briefly massaged my temple, thinking of the potential can of worms that would open.
He knew where my head was, immediately interjecting. "I'm not trying anything, Stevie. I just want to be near the kids so I can help you out."
"And what would your girlfriend say if she knew you slept in here?" I immediately retorted, somehow chronically unable to shut my mouth at times like these.
He sighed. "Let's not do this, not tonight. We're both tired, the boys aren't going to sleep long, just let me help you."
"Fine. That's fine," I told him, grabbing a night gown and walking into my bathroom to change. He was on the opposite side of the bed when I came out, both boys tucked in and fast asleep for the moment.
I slid under the covers, gland to know I had an extra hand tonight. "Thanks, Lindsey," I offered sincerely.
"You don't have to do this all alone you know," he spoke into the darkness. "You don't have to be so strong all the time."
The realization that he had in so many ways confirmed for me that he did, in fact, have a girlfriend in LA still resonating through me, I rolled on to my side, my back facing him before tightly shutting my eyes and responding, "Yes, Lindsey, I do."
