In Touch - L.T 1D

Chapter Fifty One

Chapter Fifty One

*TRIGGER WARNING*

"Mimi! You can't be serious!" Harry exclaims form next to me.

Oh but I am. I really want to say that but I know it won't go down well. I don't even know what possessed me to say that no one would care if I walked in front of a car. I know that it isn't something you go around telling people but with my raw emotions, it all just came racing out of me and I couldn't stop it.

I suppose that's how it works isn't it? When you finally let out all those pent up emotions and feelings, the voice that you had kept hidden for so long, escapes too. As much as you try to stop it, it still manages to get out and then it hurts everyone around you.

"Listen, love, you can't be thinking like that. You can't. We know that you know that we do care and that we would be heartbroken if you did anything. So please Mimi, talk to us," Liam mumbles as he sit down by my head.

I peak my eyes out from where I'd wrapped my arms around my head. When I see the look on all the boy's faces, the heartbroken, scared, worried expression, I know that they would care if I did anything. Just by looking at their faces I can tell that they care, as much as the  part of me that doesn't trust anyone screams a me not to believe them.

"I know you guys all care. It's just, I've been strong for so long and now that I've finally let go, all my emotions and feelings and previous thoughts are just finding any chance they can to get out."

"It's okay Mimi. We understand," Niall says, his voice sounding relieved, "Just, if you ever have thoughts like that again, come and talk to us. Please."

"Okay," I sigh as I wipe my eyes with the heel of my hand.

And I mean it. As much as it's not something I would like to talk about with anyone, let alone the boys, I know that it's the only way to help me stop thinking like that. Even if I rarely ever do it, I know that the only way to fully stop it is to talk to people about it who can help me through it. 

I'm not going to lie, I did try to commit suicide about, well I don't know how many years ago it was. It was after that party where I got raped. After my mother started letting strange men come into the house and use me for sex, I feel into this hole of serious depression.

I mean, I hadn't been diagnosed with it but I could tell that that was what it was. Anyway, I never cut. I never did anything like that. Just one day, I came home from school and it was all too much for me. I couldn't take it anymore and it pushed me over the edge.

I remember grabbing the bottle of pills from the cabinet in the bathroom and sitting down on the cold tiles. I sat there for about half an hour, just staring at the bottle as I contemplated what I really wanted. As I contemplated if ending my life was what was best.

Slowly, I lift the lid off the bottle, pouring twelve pills into my hand. The white pills feel heavy on my hand, as if they hold more then the tiny mount of medicine that is actually inside them. Without thinking about it any longer, I started placing the pills in my mouth, one by one, and swallowing them until they are all gone.

Well this is it. I'm finally going to be taken away from this torture that is my life. I wonder what it's like, being dead. I wonder what it's like to die. Is it easy to just take that last breath and slip into the darkness, never to wake up. Is it as easy as that?

I feel my phone buzz in my jean pocket, my fuzzy brain not fully registering what it is for a few seconds. I reach into my pocket, my weak hand tugging at the phone until it falls out onto my awaiting hand.

It takes a few seconds for my blurry eyes to adjust to the screen, even then the words seem to blur together. But I can still distinctly make out the Twitter logo and notification that popped up on my screen. As I open up the app, my hands start to shake uncontrollably, scaring me into almost dropping my phone.

As the app loads and a picture of Louis pops up on my timeline, I feel my whole world stop. Why would I do this? I would I purposely try to take my own life? These boys have done nothing but tell girls they are beautiful and that they shouldn't try to end their lives, but here I am, doing exactly that.

That was the moment of realisation for me. I rang to ambulance straight away, telling them everything even though my vision was already blurring together constantly, my hands were shaking and I could barely sit up.

I took them about five minutes to get there, and because I told them where the spare key was, they came racing up the stairs to take me down to the ambulance. It really was a scary experience. I remember sitting in the hospital and feeling very disappointed in myself. I mean, I tried to end my life, who wouldn't feel disappointed in them self?

"Mimi?"

I look up to see all the boy staring at me, worried looks on their faces. I really am sick of those worried looks. They make me feel like I'm some fragile piece of glass that, with one misstep, could easily be broken into millions of pieces.

I don't want their constant pity and worry. I want to feel whole again. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be drowning. I want to be able to breathe. I want to be able to see the bright blue sky above me, not the grey murky water.

I just want to be happy.

YAY! EARLY EARLY CHAPTER! I thought I would do it before I sat down to do my assignments :(

Poor Mimi. She really has been through a lot. It's heartbreaking.

Guys, if you are ever feeling anything like that, sad, broken, like no one cares. Or you're thinking about ending you life. Please don't! You can talk to me.

Sometimes talking to a stranger about your problems and feelings really helps.

Just message me guys and I'll reply. I'll try to help you as much as I can.

YAY! I finished my book that I was reading, finally. With school and everything, I barely ever get to read and stuff so when I finished my book at 11:41p.m last night, I was very happy. LOL. Even though I had read that book millions of times. I still was so happy to finish it cause I really love it.

The Imdalind Series is one of my favourites. I really recommend it guys. It's a great read.

QOTC: Would you rather date Shawn Mendes or Ed Sheeran and why?

I will just leave you guys there because I don't really know who I would prefer...

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo