ANGELCAKE

Chapter 20 - Deprivation

His current focus of obsession –even though they had long since split up as lovers even before he moved out– was that Valentina was sleeping with a priest they had met eight or nine months previous and also the vet. Jerremee's proof was: the priest had sent a card for Easter, months earlier and she and the vet had been in the barn for longer than he thought necessary.

It must have stuck in his head as suspect for a Catholic priest to make such a typical gesture of good will on a holy holiday, toward another human (another Catholic) who was obviously having a very hard time. Otherwise, in his total lack of ability to understand normal human behaviour, Jerremee didn't realise if he was going to falsely accuse someone of something just to make them look bad, the accusation should at least be plausible. Apart from the all facts: that they had met the priest together in the market (and only briefly); that his parish was in Languedoc about 500 miles away; that Catholic priests were sworn to celibacy (although, neither actually keeping a solemn promise, nor the ability of actually having a modicum of sexual self-control when one claimed they did, computed in Jerremee's head, so it was to be expected he didn't notice those points were also relevant reasons Valentina might not be sleeping with the priest); that she didn't have a past of sleeping with every person she met in order to boost her diminishing self esteem... and finally, most of all, abstinent or not, as far as Valentina could tell the priest's sexual preference –if he indeed had any such feelings to deny– would not have been for a female. (Which didn't matter and was none of anyone else's business, but surely it proved there was nothing going on!)

As for the vet (actually the accusation involved two vets: the head vet Monsieur Lemoine and one of his junior vets Mademoiselle Poisson, who had come along once) he was mentioned less. This was because, out of the lot, he was the only one Valentina wasn't sickened by and might have considered. Ultimately she refused to continue denying any of the supposed encounters with the vets or the priest (or Martin Martin, or the mailman, or the guy who delivered the animal feed, or some guy who had once helped her get her jammed ticket out of the machine at the pay and display parking lot in town). Since she formally owed him no explanation, she didn't see the point in tiring herself out arguing and trying to make him see reason that would have been glaringly obvious to an ordinary person. Jerremee classed this refusal to continue to defend herself as proof of her 'whoring and disloyalty.' In the lead up to his departure he had gone on and on and on about her debauchery, making up more and more extravagant stories of what he was certain she had done while he was: "at home, sober and chaste and devoted to you, working hard to make your dreams come true."

Valentina thought she must surely be the stupidest harlot in all of France, considering that after all her supposed gross sexual activity with some exceedingly unappealing lovers, she was still receiving bills (and threats) from the vet's practice, still receiving antagonism from Martin, still paying full price for her animal feed...

The real truth was Jerremee knew Valentina wasn't sleeping with the priest, or the vet and the others. He did it not only because of his extreme insecurities that he didn't deserve a woman's attention, but because he knew the accusations frustrated and angered Valentina immensely and he found that deeply satisfying – plus it had the added benefit of causing further chaos in her mind, undermining her from doing what was necessary to move on with her life.

When he wasn't actually in front of her, he had started the habit of sending barrages of text messages – even while he was still on the property only several metres away. The theme of these texts alternated between the usual accusations of sexual debauchery, not living up to her side of their agreement, and not doing her part to validate him as a man... and then, begging her to come back to him, pledging he would "change and get better," threatening that his own safety was at risk if she didn't take him back and that he would "never let go, no matter what."

Although she had stopped opening the texts soon after they had started, something was happening to Valentina that was worse than before – another stage. She felt like his craziness had infected her; it was like a disease was growing inside of her. She felt scared and hateful and angry every day. She distrusted all of the people who lived around her. She felt as if no one liked her and no one told the truth. She suddenly felt awkward and ugly. She felt like a totally different person. It was as if she had become Jerremee, or at least part of him had rubbed off on her.

Her new habit of swearing like a gangster reinforced the new persona. She SOUNDED like a totally different person. Looked and thought like a different person. The day that he supposedly left for good a few weeks earlier, she told Jerremee: "I HATE YOU!" She had never, ever, used the phrase with anyone before that in her life. The creeping advancements in feeling and looking ill were marked... For the past three or four weeks, her previously aching stomach had felt like there was fireball inside of it (all the time). More worryingly, her chest, which had been a little sore intermittently was also aching all the time. She had also wrenched her shoulders from manhandling sacks of goat feed and the like. She had gone from frequent, ordinary headaches since she had moved there, to suffering from migraines with increasing regularity and a couple her molars were aching so that it was difficult to chew, although the dentist could find no decay. At the same time, she felt so manic in her head, she couldn't think straight and therefore felt helpless and terribly incompetent – feelings which felt completely foreign and therefore terrifying to her.

The severe sleep deprivation she had suffered for so long was intensifying and her nerves were at their peak. Between the constant onslaught of mental and sexual predation from the creep –as well as Martin Martin's dog barking until the wee hours– the sick animals, a newly mounting vet bill and the pitiful lack of money (and what little money she had to feed them and herself diminishing, mixed with the prospect of the delayed sale of her flat in London and no work in sight)... it all amounted to Valentina's wellbeing being seriously compromised.

She felt like she was locked inside a living Hell. She thought about trying to get a restraining order against Jerremee, but relations with the police had been strained since they moved there due to the havoc he cleverly orchestrated more or less the first week with Martin Martin and various other neighbours. In any case, he would just put on the completely fake, yet highly convincing: completely-normal-kind-and-quiet-long-suffering-English-gentleman role when anyone new turned up and then say just the right, calculated things to make Valentina seem unreasonable and ill willed, as soon as she turned her back... She could feel the desperation in him. She didn't dare tell him he couldn't come, since telling him not to do something was the surest way of him doing it. She couldn't risk the animals' grazing, or worse, even if he didn't start building a house there, having him pull up a caravan and begin living in the field! (He claimed he had a three year permit to do it!) She would have to deal with Jerremee later, when Lysander was better and she was feeling a bit stronger.

Fortunately she didn't have to keep letting him back anymore! She didn't have to hold her breath every month and accept the small amount that barely covered the bills (the main ones anyway). The sale on her flat would be finalised in a few days and she could pay everything off and catch her breath – for a little while. She could then start to regain her mind and rebuild her health and her life. She would soon be out of the traps she had walked into and the huge mistakes would soon be behind her. Free.