the list { jace norman }

seventeen

I stayed the night there that night, and most of the next day.

My parents had advised me to go back to the room, that they'd call us when he was ready. But my stubbornness blocks the rest of my emotions, setting myself stone in the chair.

Not texting.

Not eating.

Not breathing.

Hours.

Hours past and not a single sign of life had confronted me. My parents left to get some rest, and i was going on night number two in the hospital waiting room.

My body refused to move until I'd see him again.

My eyes trance close. Opening once every ten minutes at the silence surrounding me. However, they jet open at the sound of my name off somebody's lips.

"Miss Rose?"

I sit up abruptly, checking the time printed across my watch.
"Yes?" I stand immediately, meeting the height of the assistant nurse.

"We were able to operate on Mr. Norman accordingly, but internal bleeding is still being perused. He's been sleeping for roughly nine hours now since surgery. We're able to get you in for your goodbyes."

All hope within my system came crashing down at her words , choking on the cold truth, the only truth. He was dying.

I follow her down the quiet halls. She stops outside the door, allowing me in to close the door behind me.

I watch him as I walk around the bed to a chair, pulling it up next to his body. I reach for his cold hand, his knuckles scraped in bruises and asphalt. I hold it in the warm of mine. I do nothing but watch him silently, my eyes sting from the rawness of crying. I didn't need to cry anymore. I couldn't.

For minutes I whisper for him to wake up, pleading that I get in one more conversation with him, to tell him that I'm sorry. That I'm in love with him.

His hair is pushed back in a reddened mess, cuts across his face, his skin. Hooked to multiple machines and yet, seemed so peaceful at the closing of his eyes.

Minutes pass, my mind think about saying it, saying goodbye. Saved by the light pulse he gives off in my hand. A faint squeeze, but something.

"Jace..." I whisper

His eyes twitch, opening slowly, gently.

I smile, letting out a deep breath.
"Thank god"

"Hey" his voice rings out raspy, harsh.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't" he response,
"Don't be"

My shakes hands brush up across his head, he winces, but takes it.
"They told me you wouldn't make it"

He whispers,
"I'm sorry"

"Why are you sorry?" I smile lightly.

"I'm not making it through this. I cant, I- I don't want to"

"What?"

"I'm in pain Emily. I know the type of pressure this puts on you but I-"

"Jace please..." I ring out the only tears I have left, drowning in them.
"I need you here, I can't do this without you"

"You can"

"You mean so much to me, please. You have to get through this."

"I wouldn't leave you if I didn't think you could do it"
He takes in a deep breath. His eyes were growing heavier, I could sense it.

"I don't want to do it" I let go of his hand, sobbing into mine.

"Hey, look at me"

Gently, I look up to meet his eyes.

"I love you" he whispers.

"I love you" I cry.

"Please, dont get rid of the baby, okay? You'll be a great mom" he reaches for my hand.

"You'll be a great dad"

He sinks to closed eyes for a few second, smiling lightly.
"I swear to you Emily, there are so many things I feel that I should thank you for but; I don't know how"

"Don't thank me for anything, I'm the reason why you're here right now"

"I was the one getting flowers"

"They were for me."

"Don't be hard on yourself for this. I don't want that"

"I'm not making it through without you."

His hand twitches in mine,
"You will baby, I promise"

"You can't. You cant promise that."

The room drops silent, he stairs aimlessly in front of him.

"If I walk out of here-"

"When you walk out of here"

"I want to have a family with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, for whatever that's worth."

"I'm so in love with you" I repeat.

Yeah, me too" he admits, brushing my hand with his thumb.

I stand, leaning down to kiss his lips gently. He stares up at me as I pull away. He whispers,
"That was you saying goodbye, wasn't it?"

I shake my head,
"I'm not going to say goodbye"

"I really wish you would"

"I don't need to" I shoot back.

"This is temporary, Emily"

" I know "

"No I mean this. I'm awake for a goodbye... my moms going to throw a fit"

"I called them, they didn't answer me"

"Don't get in touch with them until you get back."

"I'm not doing that. They want to be with you"

"It'll be too late"

"Then let it be, but I'm not just gonna-"

I stop talking, listening a beeping echo start to slow down. I stare at the monitor, back at Jace, his eyes closed peacefully.

I listen to it flatline, my body jumping up, calling his name over and over again. I sink back to my chair with no response from him, or his heartbeat.

My heart sinks, crying in disbelief. I'm pushed out of the way by surrounding doctors, several of them.

I lost him.

And that was all there was to explain.

I stood in disbelief for a split second before breaking