Misconceptions

{ xxvii }

"You know that I love you, right?"

Please. I am begging you to not get my hopes up.

Please, stop this. Stop torturing me by saying the three words that would possibly haunt me for the rest of my existence.

I know you say this with an honest heart. Yes, I am aware you told me this because you actually mean it.

I should be happy... Right? I know I should be beaming and letting my spirits sing.

But I'm not.

How ironic is this? I have always wanted you to utter these words to me in this exact formation and feeling but now that I got what I wanted I feel quite inconsolable. Instead of openly expressing my emotions or let my insides burst, I'm giving my heart the permission to crumble and be brooding over this.

Let me get it straight that I am happy. I've wanted for you to let me in of your life, to be part of the amazing universe you have set up, for the longest time now. And I can not fathom you actually made me a part of your universe. You made time for me and let me see you in your vulnerable and oddest state. For that, I am grateful and overjoyed.

Why am I extremely downcasted by your sudden confession, then? If I've been waiting for this time all these days, months...?

It's because I know you mean it in the most platonic way possible.

You do love me but never in a way I want you to.

Yeah, I'm being dramatic and maybe a bit unappreciative. What do you expect, though? You let me see some things you never would have been so open to to others. You choose me over them to be this close to you but it is kinda breaking me inside how this love of mine will never be returned the way I wanted (needed) to.

Guess, I have to build a bridge and get over it. Even some bridges take years to build.

You can never really win, can't you?

"Aww, you know I love you too."