Misconceptions

{ vi }

"No one wants to be your friend."

You think I don't know that?

You seriously think I am an oblivious child who smiles at everyone because I think they like me? You think I walk around with this some kind of delusion in my head that the people around me care for me and would shed a tear for me?

You really think you know me inside, out? Like I'm just a simple Math equation? 1+1, 3-2?

It's you, dear, who is oblivious. Not me.

I know what cards I am dealing with.

In case, you really have low level of intellegence, it's all an act. A façade.

I pretend every single day of my life.

I smile through the tears. Really badly, I crave to break down and cry but I have to show I am strong. I am not weak. I am a force to be reckoned with. These hurdles I deal with at the moment will either go away forever or hunt me like a cloud for eternity. And, I handle all this pain to mask my fate. I do this because I know I am the only one who is there by myself at the end. I am merely bracing myself for the inevitable explosion.

I talk cheerfully so my voice won't quiver. I laugh at the stupidest things so all the anger and bottled up emotions won't be released. I look away; I advert my gaze so I would not cause trouble to you, me, everyone, anymore. I simply curl my fist and not throw a punch so I'll avoid all the gossip and the unnecessary talk.

To be honest? I'm tired of all of this.

I know no one likes me, they use me. They talk to me when they need me. I get thrown at the back of their brains like a sweater in a summer's day and only has purpose again and taken out from the closet when the rain starts fall, the cold seeps in their houses.

But I put up an act because I still trust and hope. I believe they will genuinely like me, eventually or they will try to get to know me. All hopes I have are stomped on like a weed on the park.

Don't you see it's all a cycle? They approach, I invite them with open arms, we will be close for a period of time, they'll realise what a trash I am, I sense them drift apart, they will only talk once in a while, I'll make more effort, they'll take advantage, I let them, they gain, I get taken away piece by piece...

It's like an old ruined record- gets played over and over again because there are some songs there they enjoy listening but once it skips and plays a bit of static, they'll stop listening to it and plays it again when they feel like listening to that track.

I receive all the impact. I feel all the hurt. Don't worry, I'm used to feigning innocence and hiding a lot of things.

I've got tons of practice.

"Oh, really? Or are they, including you cowards, who are afraid to get messed up too?"