Misconceptions

{ xxiv }

"What would you like to be when you grow up?"

Grow up? But I never want to grow up.

I want to stay as I am now. Or maybe, eventually, I will accept the terrible truth that everyone has to grow up since it's life protocol but let us not rush. Let's enjoy life as it is now and stop thinking ahead of the time that is bound to happen.

The future can wait. And besides, I already think I have grown up. At least a bit.

As a kid, I used to love this question. People wondering about my plans in the time where everything is unexplored yet and filled with mysteries. I answered honestly or what I felt at that was logical. Like I'd ever be the ruler of the cheese planet.

Ask this question to my four year old self, I would reply with, "Cowboy alien! Square dancing with my friends in space will be fun!" or maybe something unrealistic or too hard to achieve.

Years later, maybe in Elementary school, if I get interrogated on what I would like to do in the future I'd answer with a decent job or a profession. A lawyer, doctor, actress... A more suitable work for me. Not only I can benefit from it but also other people. I'd get a chance to touch lives and help them in a way or two.

I simply wanted to stretch to the limits and do something to the masses.

Now, though? I do not wish to grow up and to find a job. To do something I dislike. Or to be pressured to work on some things. I wish not to let my thoughts wander about the future of me or my life, matured and with a job.

This question suffocates me. The anxiety is ever present when I get asked because I do not know what should I do to my life. I feel my energy is of no purpose.

It pressures me as well. To find the right but truthful answer. It never feels that way. Everything I do seems calculated to please the world in their ridiculous expectations.

Not that I care or do things to fulfill their crazy demands.

Ergo, now I am thinking over my life and what I have done.

I never thought I'd become someone who lives like this.

I am a heartless monster shutting out other people for my own good which translates as selfish to other people. Is it that bad to seek protection within myself or the fact would rather spend time alone rather than be in their company? I am someone who delves into other universes by the pages and lines of books. I've now spent majority of my time by myself with the ever present buds on my ears with blaring music and a novel present at hand. My veins run alcohol instead of blood. I let myself get lost in whiskeys and vodkas to forget and maybe to remember.

I used to think when I'd get 'bigger' I would an approachable person with opening arms and a smiling face, not someone who has hands to grab nothing even a sliver of hope and a permanent scowl on the face.

We do not turn up who we want to be sometimes.
It's that simple.

The world is selfish, not me.

"I haven't thought about it."