Touring with 5SOS

Twenty-four: Bonding

MADISON'S POV

After James and I changed, I went downstairs to see four distressed boys while James say in my room, playing with the dart board I got for Christmas. It wasn't magnetic, it was real darts. In hindsight, maybe it should've been magnetic. It was on my door, and I may accidentally hit one of the boys if they open the door. Oh well I guess.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Why are you two alone in your room?" Ashton asks frantically and I out my hand in his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down.

"Ash, it's fine. I changed in my closet and he changed in the bathroom. He obviously can't go home in this storm." the boys sigh but nod, letting me know they ordered pizza and I grab a bunch of random movies from the shelf, and we'll probably check megashare and Netflix as well.

I smile at James and hold up the stack of movies and grab my laptop. Eventually, we decide on just watching paper towns. Obviously I had the DVD for it, so we just stuck that in and sat next to each other on my bed.

"The boys said they're getting pizza for dinner. You called your parents right?" he nods, pulling my fuzzy blanket over us as paper towns starts.

I've seen this movie tons of times, so I fade in and out through it, just lost in my thoughts. Not the ideal place, but it happens.

I'm so tired but I'm getting plenty of sleep. I'm never really hungry anymore. I'm so cold and the only thing that warms me is a burning hot shower. The kind of hit where your skin turns red and blotchy and all you can see in the bathroom is steam, barely a foot in front of your face. It hurts, but at the same time it doesn't. I'm struggling between killing myself and killing everyone around me and mathematically the first seems much more logical. I'm trying to figure out the equation for happiness but there are so many variables and I've never been very good at algebra. I feel like I've hit that part of the movie where the hero walks away from the explosion in slow motion but instead of turning my back i'm trapped in the fire and everything else is moving so fast. I feel every cell in my body giving up so when I get told to stay strong I smile politely but I don't know what they mean. Instead I'll keep quiet and hope someone can still hear me because no matter how bad it hurts I'll still tell everyone 'I'm fine' and that's what scares me.

I'm so tired of being sad, I'm so tired of waking up in the morning and feeling like I have noticing to live for. I'm so tired of hating the way I look and I'm so tired of never being good enough for anyone. I'm so tired of being the friend that's never there and I'm so tired of being myself.

I hear a knock and then the door opens before I can even respond. The boys bring in a full box of pizza quietly, just leaving it on my bed. We pause the movie and start eating, but I'm almost positive I hear James trying to speak to me.

"Mads, are you okay?" he asks quietly and I snap out of my thoughts, nodding slowly.

"I'm fine." I give him that polite smile.

"Mads," he puts his pizza down while sighing. "You and I both know that's not true."

I put my pizza down and play with my hands, I don't really want to talk about this. I find it crazy how you can be so upset and different all the time and no one notices.

Not your parents, friends, nobody. You could literally be on the verge of tears, drowning, and everyone around you is totally oblivious. I stopped talking about how I felt because I knew nobody cared anyways, I've always told myself to never tell your feelings.

James makes me look at him. He looks genuinely upset. "Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you and waiting for everyone to fall asleep so you can fall apart; for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels."

I gape at James' teary eyes. I never knew he was like this. I feel like such an ass for never noticing. It seems different than how I feel.

"You don't understand." I mumble and he looks at me in disbelief. "I tell you that you don't understand because I don't know if I can explain it myself and I don't want you to ever know the depths of my pain. I tell you that I'm not afraid of things because I am crippled with fear but I don't want you to know how weak I am. I tell you all these lies but you still hang around. You see through my lies and past my skin even though I try to fight you off. You told me you were here for me when I was miles away. I tell you that it's fine but it's not okay. There a giant mess in my head, I never know what I'm supposed to say." I finish quickly and James nods at me.

"I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I mean, I'm not sad; but I'm not exactly happy either. I can laugh and smile and joke during the day, but at night when I'm alone I forget how to feel." I finish and look at James. He leans in, not saying anything and plants his lips to mine.

I push him off me, I discussed that we could only be friends before, and during the tour. He told me he understood and wouldn't try to kiss me again.

"I am not your cigarette break James. You cannot lit me up whenever you feel like it, you cannot chain smoke me until I am nothing but ashes and then stomp me out on the ground. You cannot disregard me until you crave the taste my lips allow. I am not an object for your simple minded pleasures, I am not your cigarette break. When I'm gone the stains I left on you will make you sick and I hope I stay in your teeth for longer than you can handle." I instantly regret saying all of that to him. I didn't mean it.

"James I'm sorry I just-"

"It's fine. I know you're upset Mads." he interrupts. "I shouldn't have tried to kiss you anyways. We've talked about this." he looks down and we continue eating, the awkwardness gone. I'm not feeling as upset, but is all true.

I hate feeling like this, but all in all my life is pretty good. I mean sure, I get hate on the Internet but that's normal; and sure Lacey and her minions are assholes and always try to ruin my life, but someone has to try with that whole nemesis thing. Then there's the fact I was kidnapped, but at least it was me and not someone else. They were pretty needy for the ransom money. Or the fact that I don't get to see my friend often and go to school with them like a normal kid, but the boys get to live their dreams. Last but not least, family is okay. I mean my dad and twin just came into my life, but the boys can be assholes. At least I'm not still in the orphanage, despite what's happened since I've left it. It could be worse, right?

James and I finish paper towns before heading downstairs to bake something. We end up baking a batch of Reese's brownies first, and the boys run in when they smell them. Then all six of us make a bath of sugar cookies together. The boys actually bind with James a little, and apparently James plays guitar so him and the boys play some music together.

I smile softly as I was the four idiots interact with another idiot, this one I'm proud to call one of my best friends.

A/N

Sorry this chapters a bit boring but something huge can't happen every chapter. Just you wait, something's gonna come up soon.

Anyways, I'll update again ASAP. Cya :3