The Journey To Happiness

Chapter 11

Talking stresses me out let alone about my feelings, I honestly don't see the point of me even speaking at all here, not like I do much anyways. Some times I wish I could just go completely mute and not have to talk at all.

I know I have periods where I have verbal shutdowns, I haven't had one in a long time. I knew as soon as I got out of here, I would probably regress into a verbal shutdown. Sometimes they happen uncontrollably and I end up not speaking for weeks, months, the longest I have ever had a verbal shutdown was for 3 months, I just layed on the floor or my bed most of the time and never came out my room only for school or food, which I barely even eat.

I stared at the bowl of cereal that one of the nurses placed in front of me, I must have been staring for at least a good 20 minutes as it was time for group therapy. We sat around the room, the chairs were arranged in a circle.

The leader introduced, "Hello, I'm Kate I will be leading this group therapy session. If they are any questions please don't hesitate to ask. I was thinking we could introduce ourselves, I know some of you may know each other already, but I see a few new faces, let's go around clockwise!" Kate said joyfully.

I didn't pay attention to anything, a moment of silence came. I looked up and saw eyes on me, I instantly knew it was my turn to speak, but I sat there acting as if I didn't notice.

The girl next to me tapped me on the shoulder, I flinched. "It's your turn" She said smiling at me. My eyes were blinking so fast, my body all tense and stiff. "I'm Keeping It Together!" I snapped, everyone's eyes were still focused on me. I held my head down staring at me feet as they were swinging back and forth, back and forth, back and forth..
—————
I must have been doing this for a while as when I finally looked up Kate was kneeling down in front of me the room emptied. I must have spaced out, she had her hand on my leg she was speaking to me, but my anxiety was screaming at me I couldn't quite make out what she was saying, I went back into my own world, not even focusing on my surroundings or feelings, I was completely zoned out.

I then saw a light in my eyes I knew who it was instantly, I was clearly responsive my hands and legs were bouncing and shaking like crazy I was just too focused on a certain spot on the wall. I ignored the light, knowing Amelia only flashed the light to get my attention. I felt the soft touch of Amelia's hand rest on my shoulder, I flinched finally out of my own world, that was empty and quiet how I liked it!

I looked up at my Mom, her face filled with concern. I began to cry, "I want my Mom" I said. "I'm right here Harper" She called out, but what I meant by Mom was that I wanted my real Mom, my birth Mom. "I want my Mom" I called out again. "I'm here Harper, I'm here" Amelia said hugged me, I pushed her off. She looked at me confused, "I want my Mom... my real Mom.. my birth Mom" I said crying my eyes out to Amelia who was trying to comfort me.

AMELIAS POV:

My poor baby I knew this is what she needed, but I couldn't help but think about taking her home and just sitting on the couch all day stroking her hair and watching shitty sob movies.

My heart melted when she confessed she wanted her birth mother, knowing I couldn't make that true. "I know, I know it's going to be okay sweetie" I comforted her. "Mommy's here" I repeated a few times. She looked at me her face filled with sadness, "Mom, I want to go home" Harper asked her voice still a little shaky.

I couldn't bear to see her like this, but I knew it was the best for her and I had to find a way for this to work. "Excuse me for a moment do you think I could just talk to Harper alone?" I asked the team of nurses and psychiatric staff who were surrounding her, which probably made her less uncomfortable and I was glad I could get her out the situation.

The staff walked out the room, I held onto my daughter's hands which were shaking with fear. "Harper, take some deep breaths! In and out, in and out!" I told my daughter. "Good girl" I said as her breathing managed to calm down.

"Harper would you like to tell me what happened" I asked not wanting to push but needing to know she was okay.

"It was group therapy, and.. and I got so scared.. it was my turn to introduce myself" She huffed a little for air, "The girl next to me tapped me and I freaked.. next minute I saw Kate in front of me and everyone left, but I was still zoned out... then you came with that horrible torch.. and I felt like I couldn't move till you put..put your hand on me and I flinched.. I'm sorry I flinched and I'm sorry I didn't want to hug you" She said in one big mouthful huffing for air.

"Breathe sweetheart, and don't be sorry for not wanting a hug it's okay I know you're overwhelmed, the situation was probably not the best or handled well. I'm sorry this happened, I'll speak to the staff team so it doesn't happen again" I informed her I hated seeing her like this and I was angry that the staff team didn't handle the situation properly and surrounded her making her feel much more anxious and uncomfortable. I had to be her Mom but also a doctor, as her Mom I wanted to take her home and yell at the staff for hurting my baby. But as a doctor, I knew she had to get treated and I had to speak appropriately with the staff on this matter.

I hate being conflicted with situations where I have to make decisions for someone, I knew I had to be just as strong for Harper and do what's right. "1 more night and I'll make sure to see if I can get you discharged early in the morning" I said knowing it was the best I could do for her. It would be a tricky journey, but I know she will reach happiness despite if it takes time.

The journey to happiness is a long route, but a necessary route.

Authors note:

I actually felt something writing this, I based it on my own experiences with anxiety and selective mutism so it's very much how I would experience something like this.

I was really trying to channel Amelia as a Mom but also a doctor, thoughts on how I did??