Finding My Own

59. Losing Me

My mother's outburst caught me off guard. I stared at her in surprise. She never spoke of her feelings about Elijah since the Valentine's day dinner. I assumed she was smitten by him. He had money. He loved her daughter. He was willing to take care of a woman who didn't have to love him. But now, she was admitting that she had ulterior motives.

"You don't like Elijah?" I repeated. "Why? What did he ever do to you? Is it because he loved me without having to see me through a screen first? Or because he didn't grovel at your feet like every other man in this world?"

Dad's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to speak, but my mother held up a hand to silence him. "I didn't invite him, because I wanted to see how he was doing. I did it, because I knew you'd hate it. I knew it would make you angry and make you feel guilty about what you'd done to him."

My heart broke. This woman had no idea the damage she was causing. "Mama, I loved Sebastian. I was willing to give up everything for him. What I did to him was what he deserved. Over the top and unnecessary? I realized that after I'd gone through with it. I was sorry. I wanted to forget about it."

Tears streamed down my face as I looked at my parents. They'd done this to me. They'd forced me into a situation where I had to choose between loving Elijah or being loved by them. And they'd wanted to manipulate me into picking them.

"I wish I could go back and undo it," I whispered. "I wish I could take back everything I've ever said to him, but I can't. I could only forget about it. Only pretend that I wasn't fazed by how he'd lied to me and made a fool out of me."

My parents just looked at me, their expressions unreadable. I knew they weren't buying it. They didn't understand how I could forgive Sebastian. They didn't understand that I had no choice. That the moment I'd seen him again, I'd felt something I hadn't expected. Not anger or hatred, but a strange sense of longing and guilt.

"And Jack...I know he's practically family, but there's a lot about him that I never wanted to remember."

"Don't bring my son into this!" Stacey's mother exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, Auntie, but it's true. We may not have been dating in anyone's eyes, but I allowed myself to think he was actually interested in me. He used that against me. Do you want to know what he said to me yesterday?"

"No, not really."

"Oh, I feel so stupid. It doesn't matter how bad I want to change something, there's always someone who wants to ruin it for me."

Mom started laughing bitterly. "I should've known. What do you even see in him?"

"What?" I tried to stop the tears.

"What do you see in him? He has a child from another woman. He spends a lot of time in his home country, doing what? There are only so many job offers he can really accept. How do you know he's not cheating on you? Are you going to believe everything he tells you?"

"I don't believe everything he says."

"Are you sure? You believed Jack when he never expressed how he felt about you. You believed Sebastian when he continuously told you he was only seeing you. Seems to me you really like men who have no respect for women. Who don't respect you as a woman."

"What do you know about respect as a woman, Mama? You married a man who clearly only wanted a wife who would obey him no matter what--No offense, Daddy--and you raised a daughter who thought marrying young and into a rich family was all that mattered. I made mistakes, and I've paid for them, but at least I learned something from them. I learned who I am, and who I don't want to be. And I'm not going to let you or anyone else decide that for me."