Summer Nights -- Bojan Cvjetićanin

xiii

Two weeks later, I was packing my bags because we were leaving early tomorrow. It was now four in the afternoon, the sun was already setting. I was thinking about the last two weeks. I'd hung out with Joker Out quite a few times, and I really got to know them. I think I'd consider them good friends by now, which is nice since I don't know anyone in this country. 

In the meantime, they've been announced as the Slovene Eurovision entry. I helped film some stuff at their press conference, and afterwards I was invited to a party of a friend of Bojan's. It was nice, I met a few nice girls there. Also, I found out Bojan knows a lot of people. With that I mean a lot. 

To be honest, I haven't listened to the guys' music yet. I don't know why, but it feels like an invasion of their privacy. Maybe I have heard a song or two on the radio, but I'm not sure. Perhaps I'll listen to it in Berlin. I'll have some free time anyway. Mark and I will take turns in filming, and obviously we won't film everything. I will have time to edit some stuff and plan some other shoots, but also time to explore Berlin. 

The guys have been joking around, saying I'll be like their housekeeper. I wouldn't mind, to be completely honest. I like cleaning and cooking, keeping everything organized. I hope I'd be half as good as Joanna was. Wherever she is now. 

Iris and I have called quite a lot these past weeks, too. Lily is already doing better. So is Iris. I really have to get used to being away from them. I haven't really been away from them for longer than two weeks. Ever. Since Lily was born we were almost always together. We liked it that way. We didn't need solitude. But I felt it was time to go, lead my own way. I was lucky Iris didn't mind raising Lily. Alone. She will do amazing though. She always has. Taking care of a baby and me, couldn't have been easy. But she did it. I can never thank her enough for that. She's a queen, a hero. 

I shut my closet, as I felt I had packed enough clothes. We had a washing machine there, so I'd definitely survive with this. I laid down a pile of clothes for tomorrow on a chair. I've been doubting between cute and comfortable clothes, but went with something in the middle. I always get airport crushes, so I want to look good for them. Not that it will ever be something. Why would it?

After I'd closed my suitcase, I walked back into my living room. I sat down on my couch, still sunk in my thoughts. I only just realized that I have now known Bojan longer than I did last time. It's weird, because last time felt like we were together forever. Now, it feels like we only just met again, and that was already longer ago than then. I again grabbed my old journal. I feel like I've done that a lot recently. Always I am hoping it'll give me some closure, or make me feel better, realizing how far I've come. Usually it just bums me out though, because I am transported right back into those feelings. It kinda feels good.

13th of August 2017

Dear Bojan,

This has been an eventful three weeks, to say the least. First of all, I am writing this from my and Iris' apartment. It still feels crazy to say that, even though we moved in a week ago already. After we'd moved in, I got a job at a local store. I was able to start right away, which was nice. 

Anyway, my second day of working there, Thomas walks in. Yes, Thomas-the-guy-I-was-marrying-Thomas. I was worried he'd be incredibly mad at me, and rightfully so. I mean, I ran out on the guy on our wedding day. He walked up to me, and thanked me. I was incredibly confused, but he explained it to me. He was in a relationship with this girl, her name is Kate. His parents wouldn't allow him to be in a relationship with her, as they had promised him to me. Well, my parents. Anyway, skipping forward to the wedding day, when they heard I ran out his parents were so mad at my parents that they broke off everything. They now have no objection to his being with Kate. We exchanged numbers, he seemed like a nice guy. Not my type though, I'm still glad I didn't marry him.

He also gave me a box with a letter, told me to open it when I got home. I was exploding with curiosity all day, but I waited. In the letter, he told me how he found me. He also studies in Amsterdam, and one of his friends saw me here. In the box was my wedding ring. It's a stunning ring, with leaves and diamonds on it. The letter said, to put the ring on, and only take it off when I am marrying someone I truly love. So, I did. It's on my finger right now. He said he'd do the same with his ring, although he's pretty certain he's going to ask Kate to marry him. He's about five years older than me, you know, and they've been dating for four years. I hope I can meet her soon, she seems really kind.

But, these weeks haven't all been fun. I've been putting off writing this, which is idiotic honestly, because you will never read this, nor will you care. I had an abortion. There. I've written it. It was a hard decision, but I figured I couldn't take care of the baby myself. So, the abortion was two weeks ago. I want to say I'm sorry, I really do. But I can't. It would be a lie. I can't handle a baby. Ever since I knew I was pregnant, I've been wanting to throw myself off a roof. I haven't done it, don't worry, I won't either. I don't think I could look at the baby, either. Definitely not if it looked like you. It would hurt too much. It's selfish, I know.

Iris has been scaring me though, she's been telling stories about a girl she knew, who had an abortion and then still had a baby, because it were twins or something. I hope that's not the case. We'll see. 

Lately I have been realizing more and more that we didn't really know each other. I mean, you don't know everything about me. You don't even know about most of my important parts. I thought I'd tell you through here, to make me feel less bad about it. You don't know about the fact that I have very bad anxiety, or that I've been seeing a therapist since I was nine. You don't know about the panic attacks, or the anger outbursts I used to have. I don't think you'd like me if you did know about them though, so I don't regret not telling you. I think. I feel like I don't know most about you either, I hope it can make me forget you sooner. I wish. 

Anyway, I think I've told you everything by now. My hand hurts from writing. 

Yours,
Flo x

I wiped my finger over the page, where the ink had run out from tears. They had dried into the paper after five years, but they were still very noticeable. 

Looking back, I wouldn't change anything about what I've done. I just wish that could make me feel better about it. I started reading the rest of the journal, even though I knew the rest would grow to be pretty boring. Me starting to study, making things, getting intern jobs, befriending Thomas... Nothing new. I still read it though, it made me feel. Reading my old journal... It made me feel pain. Which was something.

Something is always better than nothing.

Right?