Rejected by one Alpha, Loved by another

Chapter 34 ~ Apologies

Esme's POV

An hour before climbing into his bed and sleeping.

I waited for a while for Jax to wake up. I paced his room I waited by his side of the bed, my nerves entangled in each other and I couldn't help but think that he would just reject me when he does wake up.

Robyn told me to give it a go and to talk to him but she didn't exactly give me a time frame on how long I'd be waiting for. Night time fell and I was sort of asleep but I could feel him stirring in his sleep apologising for something. I couldn't make out what he said so I lay next to him in hopes that the mating bond would coat up all my fears and he would be fine as when I was struggling he was always able to calm me down even when I didn't want him to be near me but he calmed me over and over and now it was my turn to repay that favour back. I seemed to have forgotten that he also lost our baby and I never gave him time to get his thoughts or feelings across. After a while, he started to wake up. I still lay next to him with one of my arms under my face and the other holding his hand.

"Esme?"

"I'm here baby"

After a few brief talks and a lot of crying from both parties, we were snuggling up in bed at 3 am watching The Vampire Diaries and just in each other's embrace. I spent almost a week in my room properly and I was starving so before we put the TV on we snuck into the kitchen and got loads of snacks and drinks and went back up like little school kids about to get caught sneaking around in a place we shouldn't be.

"Esme"

"Hmm," I mutter as I stuff some crisps into my mouth and munch down on them.

"I didn't mean to hu..."

"Hey. Don't worry about it if you didn't do it I'm sure Finn would have. And besides it woke me up a little, I've been so into my deep thoughts that I never took yours into account and I apologise for that." I say while looking at him. He's been my rock for so long that I didn't even know he was suffering or I never paid any attention. The guilt I felt was surreal that's for sure.

"If anyone ever lays a hand on you I will not stand back. Besides, my dad full on punched me after he found out. Didn't speak to me for 2 days either. And it's alright I had a few weeks to come to terms with it but... it doesn't mean I don't want a family with you Esme"

I think about it for a while. My mind trying to figure out how to put my next sentence into figurative words without sounding desperate or like a dumbass.

"Finn always taught me to grab the moment I can with both hands. You taught me to love again and I need to teach myself how to still mourn what we lost but love the life we had created and to also share how I'm feeling and what I want. I have never had what you've been gone Jax okay I never had a family who loved me, who believed in me and the things I could achieve. I didn't have a mate before you who loved me the way a mate should I was hurt and weak, I felt betrayed and used and most of all I felt alone but you've given me time and time again reasons to believe, reasons to love and reasons to carry on and I love you. I'm messed up in so many areas, in some cases I don't think the abuse mentally will leave me I don't think I'll go a day without questioning myself but I have you. And I want you to know that I want to have a pup with you and when the time comes we will. we will always be hurt in a way for the loss of our first pup but he will never be forgotten. ever."

I finally let out a breath and my heart is racing. My head is banging because part of me will always fear that rejection that may come one day. The better she-wolf he may find, the better substitute that can please him but I know I'm his and he adores me.

"What I'm saying is...make love to me Jax."

He looks at me all gone out and surprised, I feel my heart begin to hurt and I feel like what I have just said is way out of my limits. I lay flat on my back feeling defeated and embarrassed which I think he senses.

"I'm sorry. Too soon I get it" but he slams his lips to mine, cursing under his breathe at whatever I have just said and his Aura makes me want to submit myself the way he wants me to but the rebellious side wants to be the dominant one tonight so that's the choice I make.

I flip Jaxon over so he's on his back and I'm straddling him, I lean down and kiss his lips and he helps me remove the top that I'm wearing to reveal my black lace bra, he runs his hands over my waist and up my back and unclips my bra which lets my naked boobs fall down and he grabs one with his mouth and the other with his hands. After playing and moaning his name I remove his top and his trousers while ogling at his length in his boxes... "you like what you see there pretty lady"

I look up only just noticing that I have been staring and I make my way to pull off his boxers but his hand grips mine and pushes me to the bed. I guess he's now being the dominant one. I don't complain instead I make my way to helping him take off my trousers and put them aside revealing my black underwear which matched my bra too.

"Esme, please don't do this if you're not ready"

"I'm not doing this for that reason. I just want to spend time with you, I want to feel you again and connect with you again."

I keep taking off my pieces of clothing all while watching him look at me with lustful eyes and a happy smile on his face.

"Oh fuck Es," Jax mutters under his breath while drinking my every move and every inch of my body in as much as he could. His hands make quick work of taking the rest off and slipping a finger inside and pumping in me nice and gently until I beg for more.

"I need you in me, Jax...I can't wait anymore" I say through harsh breaths and his smile increases as he takes his boxers off and puts his finger in his mouth licking all my wetness off.

"Fuck..."