After I do || Taehyung ff

look at me... please

"I guess I'll be fine,
even though I'm in pain"

Y/n's hand clutched the neckline of her top as she watched him leaving through the door. And it was then when it finally hit her. What is she even doing?! Taehyung is the one who is always trying to fix her up. How wrong it was of her to assume that he isn't doing anything for their relationship? How wrong it was for accusing him of staying still when he is the one who is pulling her in. Not just once but several times. How long is she gonna trouble him like this? Why can't she pull herself together? No- she won't let it continue. I'll fix myself taehyung. For this marriage.

And for the first time in a while y/n didn't lay in the bed for hours after waking up. Instead she pushed herself to leave the bed and freshened up. She took the bedsheets off and then changed all the pillow covers. Dusted the floors and the furnitures of their bedroom and headed down with the dirty bedsheet and clothes to the first floor. She then separated the clothes that needs to be hand washed and dumped the rest of them in the washing machine. Taking the ones that needs to be hand washed, she entered the washroom. Mixed detergent along with the fabric softener before pouring water in that in proper ratio. She then carefully started to clean each of them. It looked like she had a train to catch cause she was working in so much rush. Her hands were rubbing the collatof the shirt so harshly that she didn't even realise that her fingers were getting hurt. Things like that weren't even crossing her mind. After washing them carefully she arranged them neatly on the drying rack outside of their house. Then she Headed back to the room and started to dust the high ceilings of their living room to get rid of the dusts and spider webs which were barely visible. At this point y/n too didn't even know what was she even cleaning. The house was already enough clean yet she was doing them to keep her mind away from her intrusive thoughts. She didn't Leave any corner of their house untouched. Cleaned every single furniture, mopped the floors, arranged the groceries, watered the plants. She did anything and everything....

It was almost evening now as she walked back to her room after doing everything. Opening the cupboard she looked through it to find any clothes in gray colour as it was the colour that taehyung had been wearing. Thankfully she found a gray knee-length turtle neck sweater which decided to pair with an overcoat so she took them out and dropped them on the bed as she glanced at the clock. It was almost time now. She should freshen up. She shouldn't make him wait.

Opening the door of the washroom, she walked towards the bathtub and turned the faucet on. Her eyes closely watching it filling the tub while she she stripped off from her clothes. She lightly touched the water to check the temperature before she let her feet in. Her head leaned against the rim as she closed her eyes at the touch of the warm water. It was only then when she had finally taken a breathe from her relentless working. And it was only then when her efforts to stop her thoughts started to fail as she didn't had anything to do anymore to keep her thoughts occupied.The thoughts that she had tried to escape from throughout the day were finally getting to her. She should do everything perfectly. She has to do everything perfectly. To not make taehyung disappointed. To make this marriage work. That had been her plan from the start. But somehow she felt lost now. Before she knew that she had no other option but to make this marriage work. And to some point it looked like that it indeed was working. But now that she was tracing her journey back, a certain realisation started to creep in. No. This realisation didn't just came today. It had first came to her back in Edinburgh. But the realisation wasn't strong enough to overpower her believe. After that night in Edinburgh the question was stuck in her mind. The question that stated " Am I doing this all out of fear of ending up like my mother or do I really want this all with taehyung? Am I using taehyung?" But she had shrugged that question off cause those small moments with taehyung were enough to make her greedy. But after that incident at her parents home, it started to feel like maybe it's all indeed out of fear. Maybe this marriage wasn't working at all. Not from her side. Maybe it was only the fear that is making her do all this. Making her use taehyung to not end up like her parents. Isn't she doing wrong to taehyung by doing this? Day by day the realisation started to beocmy stronger making her take steps back from him. Day by the day this growing realisation was making her curl into a ball. Was making her hide herself. But today when taehyung had approached her again. Had tried to pull her in again. She started to believe him again out of greed. She solely wanted to believe that it's not the fear. She solely wanted to believe that she wants him. She wants this marriage because of him. Not out of fear. So to keep those realisation aside she had submerged herself into work. So that such thoughts doesn't makes her take steps back from him again. But now that she was lying in the tub, that very same realisation started to kick in.