CONTRACT POSITION

18. Panic

Enjoying sex, sex talk, sexual thoughts was not something Teresa grew up with. Her sexual education consisted of abstinence. It wasn't until late in her marriage that she began truly exploring her desires and even then, she was constricted by her conservative husband.

She was never truly free to allow herself exploration. Although she never felt sexually dissatisfied in her marriage, there were things she wanted to try, but felt like she'd be judged by him if she even brought it up, so she would read about it or watch videos exploring her curiosity.

So far, with Chris, this was as naughty as she got and she was already feeling like it was too much for her. These were the kind of thoughts that didn't let her completely enjoy sex. She always wanted to try being in control but those conservative thoughts shut her down, not to mention it would be sex out of wedlock, which was another way women were controlled sexually.

Now, the inner voices were two-fold... she had the "women shouldn't be sex gods" slut shaming thoughts on top of "you're too old to be doing this" ageist thoughts. This is why she folded and cuddled with him the night before. She wanted him, but a voice inside stopped her, so her body shut it down. "You're a slut, you're too old, it's too soon, you have to wait longer, you have to be married..."

Could she let go and just immerse herself?

She'd like to try being dominant, but she really didn't have a clue how, and that social programming messed with her head. She was jealous of, but also happy for his generation. They felt a lot more free to be themselves than hers. Healthy sexuality without judgment seemed to be blooming, and she wanted that for herself.

However, she was panicking. "What if someone sees the texts? What will they think? Worse yet. He said he'd come for me when he was done with his schedule. What is he going to do? What will he expect of me?

"I should never have sent those texts. Now he's going to think some sort of sex godess is waiting, and I'm more of a kitten than anything else. Do I want him? Yes, yes I do. The jig is up, though. I need to stop pretending I'm something I'm not."

She decided he'd need to be in control for a while before she felt comfortable taking the lead. She'd need to have a conversation with him and come clean.

"He said he'd dommed older women before. This man has so much more experience than I do. I feel like such a novice compared to him. Maybe this is a big mistake after all."

Tears fell down her face. The thought of breaking up with him hurt her. "Teresa, you really love this man. Stop thinking of the end and just love him. He deserves someone who's all in!"

She decided to text him to talk when he got back.

[Wolf Boss]

Hey. There's something we need to talk about when you get back. It's nothing bad, just something I need you to know before we do anything else. Okay?

[Wolf Cub]

Of course. I want to learn everything about you, so I'll be all ears. Are you okay?

[Wolf boss]

Yes, I am. Thank you. It's really nothing bad, so don't worry. It's a good conversation to have.

[Wolf Cub]

Okay. I'll be done here in about 40 minutes. See you in an hour. Love you! 🤗

She smiled.

[Wolf boss]

Love you, too! 🥰

****

When he arrived, he rang the doorbell, which was weird for her. He'd stopped doing that a bit ago. When she looked at the camera, he was hiding something behind his back. "What is he doing?"