𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 46

billie

"i'm gonna admit to something i've never admitted publicly, ever." i said into the microphone, the crowd roared, filling up my lungs. "i've been in many relationships before, but i've never been in love except this once. and that one time, i fucked up so bad, i fucked up so bad and now all my romantic song are about that person." i shrugged.

the crowd was going wild, "crazy, i know." i chuckled at their reaction. she follows me everywhere, ever since we broke up, it's as if i went back to point zero, when i was only admiring her from afar. except now i am limited to only thinking to what could've been and what is going on with her now.

she is my roman empire and it's not like i am actively trying to think about her. no, i just can't help it. i don't know what is wrong, she will always be the love of my life. i don't believe that will ever change. i seem to always forget this and i only realize that again when i'm in the beginning of a new relationship. i end up breaking it off because how is that fair?

how is it fair for me to believe that i will never love anyone like her and still be with someone else. i don't want to hurt the people i believe i care about.

i won't lie, it is lonely being me lately. not only i do feel like i won't ever find love again but i also don't have anyone that understands me anymore after the fame. i feel like i don't see or hear from my best friends as much, i miss them and finneas hasn't been touring with me anymore.

two years ago he decided to foucus on building a family with claudia and so i was left alone, sure he's there when i play in cali, but it's not the same. and i don't want to sound like a lost child that pins themselves as the victim, but this is simply how i feel. i feel lonely, even when i'm around thousands and thousands of people.

"this song was very hard for me to share with anyone at all, and it took me a while to get used to singing without choking up every five seconds. it will always be one of my favorites, this is 'i love you'" i said before the instruments started playing.

even in my songs she's there, she's in every single concert. i was so young, we were so little, if only we met a little later in life i really do believe that it would've worked out. if we're being technical too, she's the reason i am successful, cause she's the content of most of my songs. i can even say she's there during my favorite moments in a way.

i realize that i sound creepy, maybe even creepier than me in high school simping over her. i need to move on already, i'm aware of that.

"guys direct message me ways to get over an ex cause this shit is embarrassing at this point." i chuckled. people usually think i'm joking when i say these kinds of things but i'm being so real. sure most people would advise to move on with them but maybe by some miracle someone will tell me something helpful.

i went through with the rest of the show without thinking of her, mainly because the remaining songs were hype and i was dancing around like a holagon. i found myself backstage, saying hi to people who had connections with some people and somehow found their way to me. i then went back to the green room and started getting ready to leave for the next location and the last day of this tour.

i've been doing this for a almost a year now, the last leg is finally done tomorrow. i can't explain how many times we kept extending and extending and extending this tour, now it's finally time. i'm gonna have to find a new routine again, i'll have to deal with not having a lot of serotonin for such a large amount of time every other day. i'm probably gonna have to see my therapist in real life again too.

"eilish how do you feel about this tour coming to an end tomorrow?" andrew asked me.

"not good, i really don't want to be done."