𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 25

emery

"good morning." billie sat next me and put a dunkin' coffee cup in front of me.

"thank you." i smiled, taking a sip from it immediately. god knows i needed the energy.

"of course." she smiled. "everything okay? your eyes are a little swollen and puffy." her expressions changed and she frowned.

"is it noticeable?" i grabbed my phone and opened the camera to look at myself.

"no, but enough for me to notice." she shook her head.

"i couldn't sleep yesterday." i answered her. a lie.

"you should've texted me, my insomnia was bad yesterday. i would've talked with you." she said.

"i kinda just wanted to be alone and i really wanted to sleep so i just kept trying." i didn't meet her eyes.

"okay." she softly said.

she's not stupid, she knows that i've been crying. she can tell, my face practically outs me on it. but she knew that i didn't want to talk about it which is why i think she didn't press me about it.

"alright alright! settle down!" mr john said once the bell rang. "i'll be talking your ear off today, so brace yourselfs." he clapped his hands once.

i am grateful that it's not pair work again. i don't feel like talking today and using my brain too much. thinking is exhausting and i'm exhausted. "emery how about you answer this question." mr john said. i froze. i haven't been paying attention at all and i only just realized it, i don't even know how long it's been since i dissociated.

"the phosolipids have a hydrophobic tail and a hydrophilic head so to protect itself from unwanted water where the tail is, it forms a sphere. the head being outside and the tails in, protected." billie answered.

"thank you billie." mr john didn't comment about wanting me to answer, not her.

"thank you." i turned to her.

"i got you."

the bell ringing brought me out of my trance once again. "what's that?" i frowned when i noticed billie putting a couple papers in my bag.

"notes for the class." she replied, zipping up my bag. "come on, i'll walk to your next class."

billie placed my bag on my shoulders and we walked together out the class and through the hallways. right before she let me in my spainish class, she asked one question. "are we okay?"

i replied with one word. "yes."

she searched for more in my features. as if they might explain to her what's wrong in more words so she could at least understand.

my eyes looked at the red bell that was ringing loudly on the wall facing me. they then traveled back to billie's worried face, "we are okay." i assured her and went into the class and sat on my usual seat.

♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎

as a child i always wanted to get deathly ill. i wanted my mom to worry about me i wanted to know if she really loved me or if she felt obligated to me. i wanted her to hold me on the bad days and tell me that i was going to be okay.

i wanted her to do whatever i wanted her to do for me. bring me my favorite goods because they were the only foods that didn't make me nauseous. gifts to make me feel better, kisses on the forehead, hugs and sweet words. that's all i wanted. what every child needed. love.

i still do think that sometimes. i think will she care? or will she be relieved that i am about to leave her world. just a burden that was about to melt away and decompose six feet under.