𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER: 27

emery

"i'm outside." i told billie over the phone. "i'm having lots of anxiety, bil. i don't know what to do to get rid of it."

"it's okay, i'm walking out to you right now." she assured me. "are you by your car?"

"yeah" i replied.

"i'm here." she said before she hung up the phone. "hey, what going on." she held me in her arms.

"i don't know." i shook my head. "i'm just having lots of anxiety and i always feel it right above my stomach, and i feel like i can't breathe properly."

"what makes you feel better? let's make you feel a little better." she said.

"i don't know, nothing does." i shook my head, swallowing with a dry throat.

"okay, that's okay." she squeezed my hands. "i'll stay here with you, until you decide to go in, or maybe decide not to go in."

"okay." i nodded. "maybe some water." i opened the back seat of the car where my water bottle is. i drank and gulped until the bottle was half empty. billie held onto it for me, my hand directly went to the spot that feels weird.

"that's where you feel it?" she softly asked.

"yeah." i nodded, breathing a little heavier.

"em." she cupped my cheek. "why are we crying?"

"billie." i stepped back. "someone can see us."

"i don't give a shit, you're not feeling well." she replied.

"i give a shit billie." i stepped back a little more.

"okay, you're right. i'm sorry." she stepped back. "do you want to just leave? you don't have to go in."

"my mom is going to kill me if i don't, i've missed enough classes already and i can't risk losing harvard." i shook my head. "can you just call jen please." i gave her my phone.

i wanted her to be here and to hold me until i felt well enough to go in, i really did. i just couldn't risk being seen by someone, there are enough rumors out there about the two of us and this would just confirm that it's true. i know that hurt billie's feelings, and i feel horrible, and it's making me feel even worse. i shouldn't have called her in the first place, it should have been jen. that would have been way less complicated.

"hey jen, it's billie." she started. "are you in school?" she asked. "can you come out by the parking lot? behind em's car." she paused. "see you."

"she's coming right now."

"i see her, you can leave." i started pacing.

"em..."

"billie, i can't, i'll see you in there. just leave for now please." i shook my head.

"hey what's up?" jen immediately grabbed my arms in a protective way and then pulled me in her hold. "what's going on?" i could see billie walk back into the building.

♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎

"what do you have now?" jen asked.

"english." i replied.

"don't you have that with billie?" she asked.

"yeah, i do." i nodded.

"come on i'll walk you there." she interlaced our arms together and we walked. i kind of wanted to skip the class, cause i didn't want to look at billie's face knowing what i made her feel like this morning. we didn't talk in lunch break. we saw each other a couple times in the hallways, i didn't look at her directly but i could see that she didn't either.