𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 33

emery

i love you you love me we are a happy family... with a big great hug and a kiss from me to you... won't you say you love me too?

i hated that song growing up. i never had a stable family. yes mama was always there, but she wasn't always there. an effect of that was me clinging onto my friends, making sure their parents knew me and liked me and cared for me because i longed for that affection.

until i grew up a little and kids started to get mean and i started moving frequently. i only kept to myself. if you talk to me then i'll talk to you, if you don't then don't expect me to spark up a conversation.

i never really knew what love was supposed to feel like for a long while. i think that messed me up a lot. sure i loved my mama, but it didn't really feel like she loved me too. i loved my friends, the ones from various states i lived in, but that's different.

i think the first time i ever felt like someone loved me and i loved them back and we felt safe with each other is with my brother. zaid.

my heart melts everytime he leans his head on my chest when he's sleepy. i secretly love it when he cries in mamas arms because i walked by and he wants me. i think he would choose me over everyone and i'd definitely choose him over everyone.

now... now i actually know what loves feels like. sadly i can't really describe it the way i want to. it's like when i take a shower and i open the door and i get that breath of fresh cold air. it's like the feeling you get when someone compliments you. like the feeling you have when someone actually was listening to you in a group of people who didn't give a shit. like the feeling you get when you realize... wait, i matter?

i'm in love with you, and i never want to know what it feels like to not be in love with you. never in a million years would past me believe that i found love, and i felt safe with someone else, and that felt like home to me.

"i don't wanna go back home tomorrow." i groaned.

"it's okay, i'll see you again soon and we'll plan something fun together. i wanna take you out on a date." billie said.

"where do you wanna take me?" i raised my brows.

"try your luck again later." she shook her head.

"what? why don't you just tell me?" i asked.

"cause i don't want to, double it and give it to the next person love." she answered.

"you're annoying." i concluded.

"but you love me."

"i do." a smile tugged on my lips.

"i love you too." she kissed my forehead.

"you better." i mumbled.

"everytime you say something like that i remember that you read a good girl's guide to murder and i actually get scared." she confessed.

"what!" i laughed. "it's not even a guide to murder." i continued. "but the last book definitely is."

"see!" she widened her eyes. "you have that evil grin plastered on your face and the thing is, i am positive if you did try to coverup a murder, you would get away with it."

"no it's not that serious." i shook my head.

"oh it is." she disagreed. "you're the smartest person i know, you would have thought about everything correctly, no mistakes, you wouldn't get caught."

"okay now i'm getting scared of myself with the tone you're using." i chuckled.

"you should be, you don't know what you're capable of doing, you will never know what is the full extent of what you're capable of. that also applies to everyone in the whole world, we have so much potential but we choose to settle." she said. "you know and i'm not saying that i'm better cause i'm aware of it. no, i still am like everyone else, maybe even worse, cause i choose to settle too. i don't want to know what i'm capable of doing, for all i know i could become the worst human alive."