𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 39

emery

"you're wearing crocs." billie blinked at my feet and then switched her gaze to the rest of my outfit, clearly making the conclusion that my choice of foot wear was impeccable.

"it's what i went to jen's house wearing, and she's isn't exactly my size." i looked over at jen's ginormous feet compared to my normal sized ones. depends on who you ask.

"you could've told me, i would've brought you some other pair." she mentioned.

"would've could've should've, it's whatever." i shook my head with a shrug and sigh.

"hey, what's going on? talk to me." she cupped my cheeks. "i'm here."

"well it hasn't felt like you're here lately so i apologize for not communicating with you." i avoided eye contact.

"i know and i apologize, i'm letting you know that i'm here em." she didn't argue with me.

"i don't know what's wrong, i just haven't been feeling like me. everything is so confusing and it's all getting so scary." i relaxed into her hold against my face.

"and that's okay, it's normal to have those feelings em." she told me.

"but how do you know? how do you know that this is normal? nothing is normal about this." i shook my head, escaping her hold and tucking my own hair behind my ear.

"and that's why it's normal to have those feelings em, you lost all sense of stability." she responded.

"but why?" the tears burst out of nowhere. "it's could've gone some other way, any other way. why did it have to turn out this way?"

"i don't know, and no one knows except them." she shook her head.

"so what am i supposed to do? just live with that?" i pointed behind me as if all the pain was actually a weight on my back, just sitting there.

"you might want to learn how to cope with that and learn how to find your own people that'll always be there for you. you can make your own family, i will be your family." she was trying so hard to phrase what she was trying to say correctly.

"but i want them, i want them back." i shook my head refusing her touch as she tried to hold me.

"even after everything? you still want them back?" she asked.

"yes! yes i want them back. i want them back so everything can go back to the way it was. they could've done it some other less painful way, maybe so very slowly to the point where i would even realize it, but not like this. i want them back." i shook my head.

"come on guys let's go." drew walked behind jen's car, where we were standing.

"just give us a minute." billie turned to tell her, drew and i made eye contact and she immediately nodded and walked backwards.

"i want them all back." i whispered to myself. even my step dad, if that's what i have to put up with.

"you can't possibly mean that."

"no billie, listen to me. i'd do anything to have them back, i miss them so fucking much, it hurts so bad." i stressed.

"em—."

"so you'd prefer me live my whole life without my mother and my brother than have them with me?" i sniffled.

"no! no of course not. i would've never wished this on you and it doesn't even matter what i think." she shook her head.

"you know what? just shut the fuck up, it was better when you didn't talk to me." i wiped my tears off my face, preparing myself to just face the next couple of hours out here.