Just Dust N' Bones, Baby

Small-Town Values

Axl rested his head on Slash's shoulder as he drove him to the hospital. He glanced down at his hand, holding the washcloth firmly only his forearm, and saw as droplets of blood began to soak into the white cloth. Axl groaned, closing his eyes.

He felt absolutely awful.

He looked up at Slash with heavy, sorrowful eyes, but Slash didn't notice, his eyes on the road. Axl looked down, lost in thought. Why do I always do this to him? I can't manage myself and I always end up running away or getting hurt and breaking his heart. He shouldn't have to always help me. I shouldn't have to be his problem.

He deserves better than me.

I don't always want to break his heart like this... He cares about me, I know he does. He cares about me a lot. Maybe too much.. I need him too, but I shouldn't have to be his burden... But I know he doesn't want to lose me, he cares about me too much to lose me... He might even love me...

Axl looked up at Slash again, studying him. Slash noticed his gaze and he gave him a gentle smile, softly kissing his eyes. Axl felt a little comforted by him, and Slash returned his attention to the road.

Axl closed his eyes again. I don't know if he loves me.. But I think he could.

Lord, sometimes I think I could too...

But the fact that I might, even just a little, it's... It's really scary.

Everyone I love I always end up hurting, or they always hurt me. And I don't want to hurt Slash, because I know he'd never hurt me. I mean, who knows, he might never tell me he loves me. Maybe he just cares about me a lot. But.... If he loved me... It would be nice to hear that at least one person in my life does...

But he can't, and I can't, I don't want to hurt him...

He can't love me...

I've hurt him enough.

Axl stared out the window, buildings flying by, and he stared at the door handle, contemplating whether or not he should jump out the door. He glanced at the dashboard, about fifty miles an hour. He could do it, he'd gone out at forty-two before, scrambling away with some scrapes and bruises on his knees and elbows, but mostly okay.

Axl looked down, But I can't keep running away all the time whenever I get scared.

All it does is makes me wind up with something broken or needing more stitches and it just hurts Slash more.

And I don't want to hurt him anymore.

I need to stop.

But Axl was struggling to fight the urge to leap for the door and tumble onto the sidewalk, because he felt like he needed to run, run far away, and Slash would never be hurt again. He tried to calm himself down, reassure himself, but dark thoughts continued to cloud his mind beyond his will.

Axl looked down at the bloody washcloth on his arm. If I had gone for the wrist, or took my throat then Slash would never have to worry about me again.

Axl froze, realizing he was beginning to tremble, his air caught in his throat with horror of himself. Did I really just think that? he asked himself, Did I really just think that I wanted to kill myself?

Slash's words repeated in his head, 'when you're feeling like this, please talk to me, tell me, I can help. I promise I won't be mad. I'll be mad if you don't tell me, okay?' Axl buried his eyes in Slash's shoulder, feeling like a pussy because he was painfully close to tears.