I Still Miss You 💔. By A.ZChaudhry

Chapter 53

                                   FINAL CHAPTER

AVA

I was wearing a knee length black skirt type, with my hair in a messy bun, a bouquet of flowers in my hand when I stood in front of my late-husband's grave. I was staring at it and reading his name again and again when I felt numb. The pain had numbed my heart in a bad way. I wanted to feel it, I wanted to feel all the emotions but they were all attached with the man who was now six feet under the ground, never coming to meet me again.

I slowly placed the flowers beside his tombstone and sat on the grass, right beside his grave.

I wanted to talk. I really wanted to talk so much but my voicebox was suddenly heavy as fuck. I couldn't bring myself to raise my voice and actually start talking when I finally did, "I miss you, Xandros."

That one sentence and I felt alive again. I felt my emotions opening up, felt tears strolling down my cheeks and found my voice again, "Godddd, do I miss you like anything? I thought..... I thought with time you get over a person, but no Xandros, true love never does that. Your absence still haunts me, it still pains me and trust me, it hurts me a lot.

I daily keep waiting for you that maybe, through any miracle, you might walk through the door and engulf me in a hug, I keep waiting for you to look at me and smile, for to run into your arms, knock the breath out of you and tell you how much I love you. I daily daily keep the ingredients ready to make you your favourite dinner or anything that you like........ but you never come, Xandros. You never come."

I sniffled and twirled the wedding ring on my finger when I smiled and showed him the ring, "See this ring here? Never in a million years am I taking this off. This, and our baby, are the only things that I have left of you. The house misses you, your clothes are losing your smell, the bedsheets are losing your smell......." I sighed, brought my knees up and covered my legs before I placed my head on the top of my knees.

I tried to calm down my racing heart when after a few minutes, I looked up at him, "You are fading from everywhere whether I like it or not. I am trying to bottle up everything and never let go, but the world is a bitch and is taking everything away. The only place where it doesn't have control is my heart and mind, and you are always there, never once eradicating from memory."

I fell silent for a few minutes when I spoke, "Ayla loves you." This was all that was needed when I started crying harshly. My face contorted from the pain, my heart wailed out it's agony and I just started blabbering, "She daily sees your pictures, your videos and she daily smiles looking at you. The first thing in the morning she does is grab my phone, ask me to unlock it and see your pictures."

I try to show her whatever I have of you and Xandros......" my chin quivered and I removed some tears when I looked at the grave, "our baby loves you. She loves loves loves her father. Whenever she would start crying, I would start telling her about you and baby..... she would calm down. She would listen intently, would try to catch onto everything that I have to say about her father who she never saw or even met.

I would make her wear your dress shirts for fun and snap pictures when Xandros......" my heart was paining, "she wouldn't let me take it off. She would curl around in your clothes and go to sleep, only to wake up to to demand me to show her your pictures.

She loves your study area, loves our wedding album and practically giggles when I show her our wedding movie. She moves excitedly in my arms when I take her to your side of the bed and place her there. She would burst out of joy when-when-when........." I wanted to hit my head against a wall till I could die and go to him as the next words I was about to say pained me a lot, hurt me a lot to a point, it was tough. It was so tough.

"When she would hear your voice. During videos, she would hear you speak and the light in her eyes would kill me, Xandros." I looked at his grave and sniffled again, "She would never get to meet you, hug you, kiss you, run to you when things get bad or complain to you about anything that was disturbing her. She would never get to experience how wonderful her father is and how loving, caring and utterly amazing you are.

She would never take her first step and see her dad cheering or be proud of her. She would daily wake up to look for you and it would pain the both of us to know that you aren't here. It would pain me to see her craving your presence, wishing that she could have seen you at least once.

Xandros........." I lowered my head, staring at my lap and my wedding ring when I whispered, "you should have been here. You should have been alongside me all the damn time and not-not....... not somewhere so far away.

I want Ayla to love you, see you, hear you, spend time with you and hug the shit out of me as a form of thank you for choosing the best father for her. I want Ayla to know what it feels like having a loving father who wouldn't be toxic. I don't want to find her one day standing in the corner and just looking at your picture, looking at your once-existing-of-a-smile and wondering..... wondering how she would have felt around you. How would have your voice sounded like now, what type of advices would you have given, how would you have consoled her and so much more."

I paused and sighed, "Ayla deserves you, and she deserves to have at least met her father once."

I paused for a few when I spoke, "And Owen?...... Your death killed my brother and I'll just leave it at that. I'll just say..... he isn't the Owie you left behind. He
is the total opposite and still looks out daily for you, hoping to catch you in some crowd."

There was silence for a few more minutes when I chuckled, "And as for me?"

Wind rustled around, calming just 0.0001% of pain within me when I looked up at his gravestone. Tears blinded my vision and I bit my lip to stop the evidence of pain leaking out when I raised my hand behind my head and with shaking hands...... I pulled out the pin, my hair falling down in waves, knowing how much he loved it.

I ruffled through my hair, memories flashing in my mind with the speed of a bulldozer hitting me, reminding me of all the times when he had done this. How he would have been dressed so sexy in a suit for me, his body pressed against mine, his forehead over mind and the greys of his eyes gazing strongly into the green of mine, hypnotizing me with the power he had. I remembered my heart halting and skipping beats as he would bring his hand up to remove the pin, all the while staring into my eyes, with lust and love swarming within those irises as he played with my heart resting in his hands.

How he would slowly pull out the pin, ruffle my hair and how deliciously sexy his voice would sound like as he would tell me that I look more beautiful with my hair down. I remembered it. I remembered all of it.

And so, ruffling my hair, I sniffled and smiled, hoping he could see the pain through the shape of my lips as I whispered, "You had my heart in your hands since the first time I saw you, and I never complained. I still don't complain as my heart...... it's your, Xandros. It's all yours. It was never mine when I locked eyes with you. I placed it in your hands and let it be.

As hard as it was for me....... I-i..... I tried to let go but I could never let go of you.

I still miss you.

So. Damn. Much.

Until next time, my love. Until we meet again......I'll come running to you and never let go.

I love you."

------------------------THE END--------—————

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE LOVE YOU GUYS SHOWERED OVER THIS BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BOOK!!!! I can't thank you enough for how much it means to me. The silent readers, the few who comment and stay with me? Thank you all so much for everything. Literally everything.

The epilogue is next week and that's the last. After that? It's the final goodbye to this story. Xandros and Ava mean the entire world to me and it's a bond that I will never forget anytime to come. It's special in its own way: to find a life partner and lover and confidante, all in your best friend. The purest form of reliable love. Thank you once again for all the love and support. Means the entire world to me.

Peace.

A.ZChaudhry

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