You Saw Me

40

We sat down for dinner. I plated the pasta, but Henry served my parents. He poured them a glass of wine each and as the pièce de résistance, he grated parmegiano over their pasta. To my parents that was probably the closest they had come to going out for a fancy dinner in years. 

The food was wonderful. While we ate I decided to keep the conversation light and let Henry tell them about his career and travels. Mom was eating it all up - dinner and Henry's stories. Dad seemed impressed and asked a lot of questions about the places, Henry had been to. I smiled and laughed along, but my mind was going a million miles an hour, trying to pick up on the athmosphere in the room. Henry sensed my tension and held my hand under the table. 

After dinner mom ventured into asking Henry more personal questions. I knew she would, she didn't have much of a filter. 

"So. The two of you met on holiday?" she asked. We nodded and smiled at each other. 

"Yes, I was lucky to meet Ellie in Anguilla when she was over for work. She's an extraordinary woman. You must be very proud of her", Henry said and smiled at my parents. 

"Oh yes, we're very proud of her", dad hurried to say, before mom pounced with her next question. "She has always been a very sweet girl. Ever since she was little she was always so sensible and pragmatic. She has always been respectful and kind", dad continued and sent me a smile. You can admire your children for many things and appreciate their traits and values. To me it seemed like dad mostly admired my ability to be meek and somehow it provoked me.

"And what about you, Henry? Do you have a family?" Mom was quick to jump in with a question. 

Henry told them about his family situation; his parents got divorced when he was seven years old, he had an older sister, who he was very, very close with. His mum was his best friend and his biggest supporter. Mom listened intently, probably taking mental notes for more questions. 

"A child of divorce, I'm sorry to hear that. I think you know that our Ellie here has gone through a divorce herself", mom continued with a sorrowful expression. She looked at Henry and then at me with a look of something resembling pity. 

"Yes, I know", Henry said and squeezed my hand under the table. I was so tense that my hands felt cold. "It must have been hard for all of you", he added. "But it sounds like Ellie leaving him was what was best and right for herself". 

I felt a shiver run through me, as I realised that he was creating a moment for me to finally tell my parents that Adam had cheated on me. My mom looked puzzled, like she didn't quite understand what Henry meant. My dad looked at my mom, clearly waiting for her to take the wheel.

"She was devastated when it happened. We have often wondered if you couldn't have worked on your marriage. It was a very sudden decision to give up". Mom almost seemed like she blamed me for the breakup. 

Henry looked at me as if to encourage me to tell them the truth. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath, only to let it out as a sigh. 

"Adam..." I started, but a lump in my throat wouldn't let the words out. Henry held my hand tightly. I took a deep breath and said: "Adam cheated on me. He had an affair". 

Mom's mouth fell open. Dad stopped mid-sip and put his wine glass down. 

"He what?" my mom said, her voice small. 

"He met someone else." I said and looked down in my lap. "And I've since come to realise that I wasn't happy and hadn't been for many years." My stomach felt like it was burning and my pulse was elevated. 

"I can't believe it", my mom said and looked at dad. "Did you know?" 

Dad shook his head and looked down on the table. "I'm sorry, this is a lot for us to process", he muttered. 

I was having mixed feelings. Mostly I wanted them to hug me, and say that Adam was an asshole. That they understood why I left and that they were happy, I had discovered how unhappy I was, and that they supported me finding my own way to happiness. 

"Henry's support has been illuminating", I said and smiled at him. He smiled back and squeezed my hand again.

Mom was difficult to read, which was a new scenario for me. Normally I was well aware how she felt in situations. She had a loud face, as Ana would say. Dad was still looking down, contemplating what to say.

"With all due respect Henry, doesn't it seem like Ellie is getting back at Adam by being with you? Is that what this is?" Mom gestured between the two of us, emphazising the word this.

"Of course it isn't!" I burst out. "This.." I mimicked mom's gesture, "This is real, Mom. I can't explain it, but I've never felt this way, ever". 

Dad cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the situation. My parents were quite conservative and we were not really the kind of family that spoke about private matters like this. 

Henry suggested we say goodnight for now and that we would come visit them soon. He acknowledged my mom's feelings and encouraged her to take some time to process it all. Dad hugged me when he left and I could have sworn he murmered an apology to me, but I wasn't sure. Mom gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked for our hospitality. I closed the door behind them and collapsed, crying into Henry's arms. 

"You did it", he whispered into my hair while holding me and comforting me. He led me over to the sofa and sat with me for a long while, just holding and caressing me.

"I've always been so focused on doing everything I could to be a good, respectful daughter. I've tried to follow their rules to be as they wished. I've pushed my own needs aside and never made any demands for myself. With Adam I just continued the same pattern".

Henry listened and nodded. "Sounds very plausible. It's a pattern you need to break", he kissed me on the forehead. "Now what do you think about this?" He mimicked mom's gesture between the two of us. 

I burst out laughing and poked him in the chest. "I think this is very, very good", I kissed him and leant into him.

"What if your parents don't approve?" He whispered.

"Well... fuck 'em, right?" I said causing Henry to chuckle.