You Saw Me

17

My insecurity has always been my worst trait. In my youth I paved my path with missed opportunities. Time and time again I had been told there was no reason to be insecure, but it wasn't something I could turn on or off as I pleased. I was told I was beautiful, smart, talented and so on, but if you don't feel it yourself, it rings hollow.
And as I stood there watching Henry turn his charm on for his young admirers, I felt the insecurity again. Why would he want me when he could have girls his own age? Was I just someone to help avoid boredom? Was it a bet? Part of a joke?

My stomach turned at my own thoughts. It didn't feel like that at all with Henry. His intentions seemed genuine. He had been nothing but respectful and considerate.

I decided to go back to our table and try to forget about it. I mean we had just met last night after all and I was probably reading way too much into all of this.

Gayle grabbed my arm when I came back to the table. She dragged me over to a sofa and handed me a drink.

"Honey, I need you to play it cool for a moment", she said while clinking our glasses. "Jeff told me to make sure you didn't draw any attention to yourself right now. A group of girls just came into the bar and they recognised Henry. He's essentially working right now being Henry Stiles, rockstar and style icon", she almost whispered.

"I don't get it...", I started, but Sarah sat down next to us and added to the conversation:

"Henry's fans are sometimes not so welcoming to his love interests. I mean, he hasn't been able to have public relationships most of his career. Apparently it can be a difficult balance with the Henries, as they call themselves, not to mention the press".

"So right now, we just pretend we're not here with his group", Gayle nodded and sent me a smile.

I felt so bad for Henry at that moment. I couldn't imagine how it must feel to have your every move scrutenised. There couldn't be much room for a personal life, much less a love life when you were on everyone's radar. That was a huge weight to have on your shoulders. Especially at such a young age.

Looking at him you wouldn't know that he was overwhelmed or annoyed. He was just Henry - charming, funny and kind. People around him seemed mesmorised by his presence and I couldn't blame them. He was something else.

"I think I might be losing my mind", I said to Gayle, Sarah and Ana who had joined us from the dance floor.

"Why?", Ana asked with a concerned look.

"I only met him yesterday, but I think I feel something for him", I said nervously in a small voice.

The girls shared a look between them as if to decide who was going to spill the truth to me. Gayle lost.

"Ellie, honey. You just got divorced and we dash off to this tropical Paradise, where you meet an extremely handsome and super sexy guy, who sets you free sexually for the first time since your husband of fourteen years. It's natural for you to feel things. But remember, right now this is just a fling. Try to be in the moment, I know that that isn't easy for you, but try. Henry is lovely and he makes you feel good. But in eight days you know you have to say goodbye and go back to Scarsdale."

She was right. I knew that. And so I nodded and took her hand and promised that I would try to just be in the moment.

Do or do not. There is no try.