You Saw Me

4

And so I started the five phases of healing after my break-up. 

Denial

In the beginning I refused to talk to Adam. He called me many, many times. He texted me and emailed me and he even came to the house. Gayle sent him away and I never told her to do otherwise. I was not going to talk to him ever again. I deleted all emails and messages from him. I wasn't interested in hearing his explanations or excuses. I just wanted him out of my life for good. I would freeze him out.

Anger

In the end I knew we had to talk. It would be impossible to get through a divorce without some form of communication. So I sent him an email in which I told him how I felt. The completely unfiltered truth. It wasn't a pretty picture. I threatened to take everything he owned in the divorce and make sure he never worked in the orthodontics business again. In hindsight I might have taken it a bit too far. 

Bargaining

I agreed to meet on neutral ground to talk. He met me at a café in town on a Sunday afternoon. It had been two weeks since I left the house. He came in the door and sat opposite me in a little booth. We were close enough to touch, but we didn't. I think I would have slapped his hand away if he tried. He looked good as always, but it was obvious that he wasn't at his best either. He looked kinda pale and a little less like the Adam I loved. Or had loved. Like he was missing something. 

He initiated the conversation. 

"Ellie, I wish I could have done things differently", he started, but I held up my hand to stop him. 

"I'd appreciate if we didn't go there right now. Let's talk about what happens now", I said trying to seem calm while my voice was cracking. 

Adam looked down at the table and shook his head. "I guess we're going to have to file for divorce, honey..." I flinched at the word honey. 

Adam noticed and immediately went on: "I mean, I'm going to give you time to think about how you want this to progress. I'll do whatever you want me to." His eyes searched mine, but I wasn't comfortable looking at him. 

"Have you told your family?" I asked. Adam shook his head and dried his forehead with the back of his hand. 

"Not yet", he replied with what seemed to be an insecure look on his face. That wasn't something I was used to seeing. Adam's confidence was always exhuberant. 

"Have you?", he asked. 

"No. I don't know how to", I replied. I could easily tell my parents and my brother that Adam had cheated on me, but they loved him. It would make them so sad. Us leaving each other was one thing, but our families were involved too. We had known each other for twenty two years. We had built a life together and I had a hard time pointing something out that was just me and not Adam and me.

We made arrangements to talk to our lawyers and settle the divorce out of court. I still wanted Adam to be part of my life. A divorce felt so final. When we went through with it, he would be out of my life and how would I go on without him?

Depression

I signed the divorce papers and fell into a depressive state. Gayle and Xander let me stay at their guest house without question. I tried to think of what to do with myself, but most of the time I just sat around staring into nothing. I was losing weight because of the constant nausea and I didn't really take care of myself. I was beginning to look quite mousey and grey. When I looked in the mirror, I could have sworn I was looking at a slightly younger version of my mother.

Weeks passed by while I kept to myself. Gayle was with me as much as I allowed her to, but I was often sad and wanted to sleep. When we hit the nine week mark of me discovering Adam's betrayal, Gayle brought up the possibility of seeing my doctor. I complied and made an appointment, which resulted in therapy sessions and antidepressants. 

Acceptance

Therapy was hard. The sessions were often about my part in the end of Adam and me. It became more and more obvious to me that it hadn't been the happy marriage I thought it was. There was an underlying resentment of the situation I had ended up in, giving up my career and being Adam's wife. The compromises he actually never asked me to make. How I had always felt that I wasn't quite good enough for him and that he was out of my league. I had always questioned why he settled for me when there were hundreds of others he could have been with in college.  It wasn't only his infidelity that ended us. My insecurity played a big part as well. I had spent the better part of twenty two years blinded by Adam and unable to see myself and how selfdestructive I was. 

It took me almost six months to step back into the light. I had no idea how blinding it would become soon.